Fairytales….how they change

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Oh, how the fairytale has changed.

If you have been with me from the beginning you would know the fairytale began with three pretty but very distinctly different relationships.

Two of those relationships have ceased. One on painful but rather amicable terms, the other, the most recent, on very volatile and tumultuous terms.

I had thought the end had come cleanly and without distaste for each other until 11:05 pm on a Thursday evening when a rage full text message came in and everything changed. Our up until then calm, cool and collected separation had just taken an abrupt 180-degree turn. He was full of anger and hate and was making things up to hate me for. The three days of back and forth emails of how much we each apparently hurt each other just created such emotional chaos in my life.

I have had some time to reflect now, I still stand strong in the decision I made to finally stand in my truth in a relationship that had no room for it. I have been hurt. Actions have been taken against me to hurt me, specifically and maliciously.

But I am so very fortunate. I have good people. I have a great community. He tried to use that community against me but he didn’t realize that they are mine, they are beholden to me before they ever would be to him. They only know him because of me. They only would trust him because they trust me….therefore….if I cannot trust him, they cannot trust him.

They are my people and they are always going to be there for me, and oh how they have been there. I’m so blessed, I’m surrounded by love and support and kindness and I know my community will hold me up while I am picking up the pieces of this broken relationship and the trauma unfortunately left in its wake.

I will admit I was unwise. I fell for the “real submissive” guilt trip. My last partner was really good at telling me if I was a “real submissive” I would do such and such. It came to a point where I chose to endure pain at his hand in the name of being a “real submissive” whether there was any discussion or benefit or understanding between us, that meant nothing to him. I suffered for him for months before I walked away from this relationship because I was trying to be a “real submissive”. But really I was never his submissive so he never deserved any of that from me.

New days today. I suffer for him no more. He will never hurt me again. Physically or emotionally, he has already done his worst. I will stand in my truth today and I have learned from this relationship that I have to learn how to use my voice. He hurt me too much. And I let him.

No more pain. No more disassociation. I want to be present in my life and in my relationships and I’m not going to let myself go there ever again.

So, what is next for this kinky little princess….just wait and see 😉

Kinky Blonde Girl

Another shake up

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I have made another big decision.

It was time for change.

Following last weeks events where my play partner declared his “ownership” of me I started doing some serious thinking about this relationship. There was just no way this overstepping of boundaries could be ignored.

And subsequent to that I attended the amazing weekend where I saw my submissive side shine, and shine like it hasn’t in so long. He has no interest in pulling her out of me, in seeing me kneel, serve and feel useful. Our entire relationship is void of that, and Tuesday night it became so crystal clear to me that I could no longer keep pretending this was working and making me happy. It just wasn’t.

So yesterday I had to call it, put an end to another relationship that was no longer bearing fruit. We ended on good terms, and I hope nothing but the best for him in his future. But now I am free to start living for mine.

Now to see what opportunities arise. What does this bright future have in store for this kinky little princess. It’s bound to be amazing!

To the future ✨

Kinky Blonde Girl

A Social with a Twist

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An adventure, off to a Social with a Twist.

And how perfectly timed, it’s my kinky birthday! One year ago I walked into Fetlife armed only with some internet and YouTube knowledge and I took the chance of a lifetime. And now a year later, here we are.

From the beginning of my trip it was a blessed weekend. Once again I found myself on a boat as I sailed over to a beautiful island for what was sure to be an awe inspiring and shockingly wonderful evening. I was fortunate to find friends on the boat that would join me in the festivities.

The evening began with a class centered around power exchange, respect, ritual, intention, and objectification. Respected community members sat on a panel taking questions from the room following the watching of a beautiful Shibari rope scene full of ritual and objectification of the lovely rope bottom. During the evening we also were able to witness some inspiring examples of a submissive’s service to her Master, showing the beauty and respect in ritual and how much love and caring can go into even the simple task of serving a cup of coffee. Other opportunities for service were provided to all of us submissives throughout the evening as we served food to the attendees of the event, were human canvases for an art competition with evil sticks creating beautiful images upon the bodies of all participants, and serving as pieces of furniture.

I watched with bright eyes trying to take in every detail of the evening. Every new experience I was given I tried to immerse myself into as much as possible in order to take everything I could from this night. I did not want to leave anything behind.

Of the many wonderful pieces of bondage equipment I got to try, I was presented with the opportunity to be confined in a predicament box, an amazing contraption. I entered the aluminum box, just a little larger than what’s required for the average adult to fit inside kneeling, with holes throughout each side of the box. There are plates in one end to create stocks to lock in a submissive’s head and wrists, however in my experience we did not use them. Instead, the gentleman who is the mad genius behind this wonderful contraption, used the steel poles that are fed through the holes from one side of the box to the other to secure all parts of my body into predicament positions, including my head, legs, arms and torso. I cannot tell you how many poles were used to secure me into place, but a great deal of tickling and spanking occurred once I was securely locked (without locks) into place. It was another awesome experience of bondage, completely vulnerable, no control, and absolutely secure, without locks. A very interesting concept for my mind to grasp coming from the training and experience it has learned thus far about inescapable bondage.

But the absolute highlight of my night was the evil stick. I was fortunate enough to have the Mistress of the event offer to give me the opportunity to be her canvas and it was the first time I had ever experienced the pain and thrill of the evil stick. It has an awesome intensity that permeates long after the strike. Every strike made me melt deeper into the sweet dreamy state I landed in, with her soft touch and sweet words sending me swimming onto a soft cloud of pain and pleasure, my body burning with a beautiful fuel that lit the fire of submissive bliss I haven’t felt in such a time. I took as much as she was willing to give me. I have found myself admiring the lovely marks left upon my body with the sweet reflection of the beautiful moments and strong stunning woman that brought them to me.

It wasn’t quite a kinky fairytale ball, but it was pretty close. I was able to experience all of the things this kinky little princess is most passionate about: power exchange, bondage, objectification, and sensual, controlled, well delivered pain.

I met and talked with so many beautiful new people. I experienced so much and felt the evening to be a flurry of amazing activity and yet I missed so much of it without meaning to.

in the days that followed I felt drained, absolutely and completely. I could barely put a thought together. Exhaustion overwhelmed me. Rest was all I sought, my mind and my body aching for ease, sleep, recovery, my mind still trying to take in everything I had just experienced. Trying to remember all the details as the night became foggier and foggier. It’s almost as if a spell was upon me, I experienced so much joy, I could barely contain my excitement.

What wonderful people I found in the midst of this epic event, what kindness surrounded me, and has followed me home. I see new friendships on the horizon and even opportunities for some adventurous play. I truly believe the people I made connections with will be good influences on my journey. It is so nice to see more people of good character and integrity join my circle of community.

I don’t know all yet what I have learned from these experiences. I know my mind and emotions are still just trying to process everything that occurred and revel in the memories before any have the opportunity to slip away.

A night to remember, and here’s hoping I don’t forget a minute of it ✨

Kinky Blonde Girl

Really!

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Forgive me but it’s a bit of a rant today.

I find myself completely frustrated and actually full of anger today because of the events of last evening.

I have been with my play partner since January of this year and for the most part, it’s a good relationship. It’s not ideal, he’s not a dominant in the pure sense, only really a Top in the bedroom, but we have had some fun over this past year.

Now we have always maintained that this was a poly relationship for a multitude of reasons. He does have a bit of a jealous streak so we do not discuss my other play partners or activities. This has been maintained throughout our relationship in order to keep the peace.

Until last night. During our scene, he noticed bruises on my nipples from wearing clamps and had to question me about them. I told them where they came from and his response was “no one else shall be damaging my property”.

His property! What! Where did he get that idea? I wear no collar! I belong to no one right now!

That he can believe that he owns me simply by the amount of time spent together frustrates me to no end. It takes a lot more than that to own a person, you have to actually commit to them, you must actually do something for them, for their wellbeing, meet their needs and expectations. Now as much as I adore this man (most days) he does not meet my submissive needs, he cannot and will not because it is not who he is. I accept that he is incapable of providing me with what I need as a submissive and try to enjoy what time we have left together before he leaves and begins his new life very far away because I do care about him and enjoy our time together.

But, last night may have spelled disaster for it all. In his moment of jealousy, he ensured that no one would doubt that I belonged to someone by leaving me with riding crop bruises all over my breasts. If these marks had been made in some fun kinky scene they would bother me none, but the fact that I am marked with painful bruises because of his childish insecurities about something that isn’t true just devastates me. I don’t know why I keep being hurt by the people who profess to care for me.

I’m really not sure how to proceed from here. I honestly don’t even know how to broach this conversation with him. I know it will devastate him to know how much he has hurt me, and that he may have caused irreparable damage to our relationship, but there is a reality he must face. He does NOT own me. I am NOT his property. He has had no interest in being responsible for me and my well being and the things that are important to me but all of a sudden he wants to claim ownership over what isn’t his. That is not how it works.

Today I am honestly seeking advice. If anyone has any bright ideas for me please do tell as I am at the end of my rope. I have little patience left and I don’t know what to do next.

If only the fairytale was easy!

Kinky Blonde Girl

Overcoming

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Tonight was amazing.

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people that care so deeply for me and my well being.

Following my triggering episode with the chain last week a great friend offered to help me in overcoming that terror and taking ownership over the chain and making it mine again so that I could once again feel the excitement, thrill and pleasure that comes from the strength and intensity that is chain.

My healing journey began by him gently placing a short length of cold chain in my hands, and immediately I could feel the emotions beginning to well up inside of me. As he added more chain to my hands, reminding me I was in control, that I had all of the power, I repeated over and over again in my mind, “I am strong, I am resilient, I am submissive”. Reminding myself who I was, what I was, and that I had everything I needed to overcome this was exactly what I needed.

When those first lengths of chain were removed, a beautiful submissive friend wrapped her arms around me, and held me close, ensuring I knew I was safe.

Later I was laid on the ground, a nice soft and comfortable spot, and slowly heavy cold lengths of weighty chain were slowly draped across my nearly naked body. The intensity of the cold was stunning, but I kept repeating my mantra, over and over, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am strong enough to overcome almost anything. Fleeting thoughts of that man would run through my mind but my concentration was on the chain, I was going to own this chain, it would be mine, part of me, part of my being, and no one is ever going to take that away from me again.

After a great weight of chain had been laid upon me, I was covered in a warm blanket, being cold from the chain and from the emotional response related to it. I was surrounded by two good friends, asking how I was, and reminding me once again of my own power. It was so empowering to have those two friends on either side of the slash supporting me and pouring love and kindness into me to see a healing occur in me.

After a time the chain was removed and a few tears were shed, much shaking occurred and some quiet time wrapped in a warm blanket was on the agenda. But I felt the power, I felt the control, and I can say I even felt some pleasure from that mighty chain.

I’m so grateful for friends that care enough to want to help me through these challenges. I would not have known how to overcome this on my own, but my friend, he knew. And thank goodness for that. Another one for the history books.

I am strong

I am resilient

I am submissive

I have overcome

Kinky Blonde Girl

Triggers

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Sometimes you know what they are and sometimes you don’t.

I have a complex history. My mental health challenges not only include BPD but C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was first diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 23 following a car accident where at the time I was undergoing therapy for a myriad of childhood traumas.

Following years of different therapies, I have a pretty good handle on most of my triggers and how to cope with them in the healthiest manner. But last night I faced a new foe.

I was at a local dungeon party playing with a good friend, and everything was going great during our scene until I felt chain. At first, it was a sensation and impact tool, and immediately it struck a nerve, jolting me into memories of scenes gone by with my former Dom. I thought to myself, ‘I can do this, I won’t let him control me anymore’. But quickly enough that chain was placed over my shoulders resting around my neck and I was instantly transported to a different place and a different time, and the tears poured out of me. Perfect timing for a check-in, as I had to ask to call the scene. I was trapped in a spiral of pain.

I couldn’t have negotiated that out of the scene, as I had no idea I would react that way to the chain. Unfortunately, now I know it has to be a hard limit, at least for some time. Still, so much healing to do.

It still shocks me, although I’m sure it shouldn’t, just how hard it has been to regain my strength and my footing after this relationship. Being only my second but certainly my most intense D/s relationship, I just wasn’t prepared for how hard this recovery was going to be. And to find myself in a puddle because of a length of chain, I’m almost speechless (however obviously not completely).

Thankfully my play partner was awesome and treated me so well and with great kindness and absolute compassion. And I was surrounded by friends which made the experience so much more endurable. Within a short time the tears stopped, the shaking stopped, and my mind was preoccupied with good conversation with friends. I can never say enough good about the people that surround me, I couldn’t possibly be more blessed in that regard.

So triggers, a person must be wary as you just don’t know what might get you when.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Submissive bliss, a beautiful place

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It’s amazing the power a few little pieces of leather and a couple of well-spoken words can have.

For the first time in over four months, I felt the wonderful feeling of leather being fastened tightly around my wrists and ankles, and I quickly fell into submissive bliss. But the unexpected happened, the beautiful collar that is part of my crimson red set of restraints found its way to my lonely and bare neck. As my play partner put it into place and cinched it tightly, I felt absolutely at ease, a peacefulness and happiness I haven’t felt in a great long time.

But it didn’t end there. For what I believe was the first time I heard the words “good girl” from my play partner. I melted. I couldn’t have written the scene better myself if I had tried. It’s not that I think he considers me anything else, but I have never voiced to him how much power those words yield over me, and just how intensely I react to hearing them. Another situation proving just how much communication is key to the success of any relationship. How could he possibly know unless I tell him how much they mean to me.

Submissive bliss, so hard to find at times and then when it finds you it pours down like a beautiful tropical shower of warm goodness. I couldn’t possibly have felt any happier in those moments and to finally feel the leather against my skin again, just made this kinky little princess smile brighter than she has in months. What was lost has been found again, my little submissive self is slowly coming back to life.

And who knew all it took was a little leather and two little words.

To all the good girls out there, shine bright! I know I am!

Kinky Blonde Girl