Well being a sub is an interesting place to find oneself in and of itself. Having Borderline Personality Disorder adds an entirely different set of layers to the challenge. I am facing them all these days, and it is beyond challenging. Everything that could come at me is, and I’m really having to dig deep into the bag of tricks (also known as skills) and lean on good supports to keep myself above water through the latest set of challenges I am facing.
My relationships aren’t experiencing anything particularly of great concern, but as a borderline I am always struggling with real or perceived thoughts of rejection or abandonment. This is one of the hardest things to overcome and heal from as a borderline, and I think if you ever come to meet one you will find this is the most painful part of the illness. It creates the most havoc in our lives.
These days my Dom is finding a great itch on his switchy submissive side and is pursuing a relationship with a new Mistress and although I am doing my utmost best to be supportive of this new relationship, those borderline feelings can’t help but be reactionary. I’m trying to use my skills, but they keep being drowned out by frustration, and the reality that my relationship with this man is never going anywhere because I am not a primary is being amplified. I am trying to be as gracious as possible, agreeing to be friends and arranging to meet her in the coming days to answer any questions she may have.
But I’m splitting on him, the typical borderline thing to do. If you’ve never encountered splitting in borderline terms before it is black and white thinking, when we view people, events, or even ourselves in all or nothing terms. Right now I am struggling to see the good in our relationship, even though I know it’s there. I am being incredibly defiant and not following rules, but the worst part of it all, he’s not following up, because he’s all caught up in his submissive mode so either he doesn’t want to rock the boat because he knows I’ve been troubled in the past by his other partners, or he just doesn’t care. The borderline in me says he doesn’t care, wise mind says he doesn’t want to rock the boat. Either way, he’s being inattentive, and that is creating chaos where there should be none.
So I find myself working really hard to keep my mind still, and clear, and safe. The borderline mind can be a dangerous place, and a terrifying one to live in. I’m grateful for good friends that can be honest with me and tell me with clear eyes what they see happening in my life. I can’t say that every piece of advice will be put into action, but it will all be taken under consideration and skills applied as best as possible to achieve a positive outcome.
I cannot let other people’s relationships interfere with my well being, and being submissive doesn’t mean I lay down and suffer for the sake of suffering. I need to work hard to get myself back to wise mind (the pretty place in the middle of emotional mind and reasonable mind) and see if I can resist these temptations to be defiant and rebellious. If not, perhaps we may be lost…perhaps…only time will tell.
Wish me luck.
Kinky Blonde Girl