Overcoming

Tonight was amazing.

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people that care so deeply for me and my well being.

Following my triggering episode with the chain last week a great friend offered to help me in overcoming that terror and taking ownership over the chain and making it mine again so that I could once again feel the excitement, thrill and pleasure that comes from the strength and intensity that is chain.

My healing journey began by him gently placing a short length of cold chain in my hands, and immediately I could feel the emotions beginning to well up inside of me. As he added more chain to my hands, reminding me I was in control, that I had all of the power, I repeated over and over again in my mind, “I am strong, I am resilient, I am submissive”. Reminding myself who I was, what I was, and that I had everything I needed to overcome this was exactly what I needed.

When those first lengths of chain were removed, a beautiful submissive friend wrapped her arms around me, and held me close, ensuring I knew I was safe.

Later I was laid on the ground, a nice soft and comfortable spot, and slowly heavy cold lengths of weighty chain were slowly draped across my nearly naked body. The intensity of the cold was stunning, but I kept repeating my mantra, over and over, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am strong enough to overcome almost anything. Fleeting thoughts of that man would run through my mind but my concentration was on the chain, I was going to own this chain, it would be mine, part of me, part of my being, and no one is ever going to take that away from me again.

After a great weight of chain had been laid upon me, I was covered in a warm blanket, being cold from the chain and from the emotional response related to it. I was surrounded by two good friends, asking how I was, and reminding me once again of my own power. It was so empowering to have those two friends on either side of the slash supporting me and pouring love and kindness into me to see a healing occur in me.

After a time the chain was removed and a few tears were shed, much shaking occurred and some quiet time wrapped in a warm blanket was on the agenda. But I felt the power, I felt the control, and I can say I even felt some pleasure from that mighty chain.

I’m so grateful for friends that care enough to want to help me through these challenges. I would not have known how to overcome this on my own, but my friend, he knew. And thank goodness for that. Another one for the history books.

I am strong

I am resilient

I am submissive

I have overcome

Kinky Blonde Girl

Triggers

Sometimes you know what they are and sometimes you don’t.

I have a complex history. My mental health challenges not only include BPD but C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was first diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 23 following a car accident where at the time I was undergoing therapy for a myriad of childhood traumas.

Following years of different therapies, I have a pretty good handle on most of my triggers and how to cope with them in the healthiest manner. But last night I faced a new foe.

I was at a local dungeon party playing with a good friend, and everything was going great during our scene until I felt chain. At first, it was a sensation and impact tool, and immediately it struck a nerve, jolting me into memories of scenes gone by with my former Dom. I thought to myself, ‘I can do this, I won’t let him control me anymore’. But quickly enough that chain was placed over my shoulders resting around my neck and I was instantly transported to a different place and a different time, and the tears poured out of me. Perfect timing for a check-in, as I had to ask to call the scene. I was trapped in a spiral of pain.

I couldn’t have negotiated that out of the scene, as I had no idea I would react that way to the chain. Unfortunately, now I know it has to be a hard limit, at least for some time. Still, so much healing to do.

It still shocks me, although I’m sure it shouldn’t, just how hard it has been to regain my strength and my footing after this relationship. Being only my second but certainly my most intense D/s relationship, I just wasn’t prepared for how hard this recovery was going to be. And to find myself in a puddle because of a length of chain, I’m almost speechless (however obviously not completely).

Thankfully my play partner was awesome and treated me so well and with great kindness and absolute compassion. And I was surrounded by friends which made the experience so much more endurable. Within a short time the tears stopped, the shaking stopped, and my mind was preoccupied with good conversation with friends. I can never say enough good about the people that surround me, I couldn’t possibly be more blessed in that regard.

So triggers, a person must be wary as you just don’t know what might get you when.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Submissive bliss, a beautiful place

It’s amazing the power a few little pieces of leather and a couple of well-spoken words can have.

For the first time in over four months, I felt the wonderful feeling of leather being fastened tightly around my wrists and ankles, and I quickly fell into submissive bliss. But the unexpected happened, the beautiful collar that is part of my crimson red set of restraints found its way to my lonely and bare neck. As my play partner put it into place and cinched it tightly, I felt absolutely at ease, a peacefulness and happiness I haven’t felt in a great long time.

But it didn’t end there. For what I believe was the first time I heard the words “good girl” from my play partner. I melted. I couldn’t have written the scene better myself if I had tried. It’s not that I think he considers me anything else, but I have never voiced to him how much power those words yield over me, and just how intensely I react to hearing them. Another situation proving just how much communication is key to the success of any relationship. How could he possibly know unless I tell him how much they mean to me.

Submissive bliss, so hard to find at times and then when it finds you it pours down like a beautiful tropical shower of warm goodness. I couldn’t possibly have felt any happier in those moments and to finally feel the leather against my skin again, just made this kinky little princess smile brighter than she has in months. What was lost has been found again, my little submissive self is slowly coming back to life.

And who knew all it took was a little leather and two little words.

To all the good girls out there, shine bright! I know I am!

Kinky Blonde Girl

The Missing Pieces

It’s the little things really.

Last night I went to bed and an emptiness came over me. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t wearing my locks, my collar, there was no bondage to sleep in this night, or any night hereafter. My neck felt naked, so incredibly bare, and it was the first time in the past week that I had noticed that loss.

I was never formally collared, but from the moment his collar was placed around my neck and the words “You are mine” were whispered in my ear, I was his. I slept many a night locked in his collar and my restraints, they once gave me great comfort. And although last night was dreadful to endure, I hope that I will only need to feel that pain once, and it will be easier the next time I notice my naked neck.

Now my restraints are simply accompaniments to my collection of kink essentials. However, they are beautiful, and I will enjoy them always as I have had many a wonderful experience in them. They are a beautiful crimson red, my absolute favorite. I write this envisioning a day that I will find myself bound in them once again, under the control of a strong dominant man, submitting myself with all that I am, to experience that beautiful feeling of bondage again.

So funny how it’s the little things that get you. I had no expectation when I went to bed last night, or any other night for that matter, that I would be hit by that. Once again it was like a flood, overpowering me, the emptiness of it all. No collar around my neck, no restraints on my wrists and ankles, no chiming of the locks as I moved. This I will most certainly miss, along with the man I used to wear them for.

I’m still finding beauty all around me and I’m doing my best to appreciate all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. Somehow, I still have to feel this pain.

But….a new day has dawned, and I must carry on without. Today should be easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be easier than today.

Onto better days ahead. I declare today to be a good one!

Kinky Blonde Girl

Growing through Bondage

My most recent adventure in bondage, FTP (forced toe pointer) trainers, what an interesting experience that was. They are incredibly beautiful and a first of their kind edition with locking mechanisms added at my Sir’s request.

Now I have absolutely no experience as a dancer, I have spent zero time on my toes with the exception of a fairly comfortable set of high heels. But my Sir presented me with these FTP trainers as part of his most recent bondage scene. I had to learn incredibly quickly how to walk in them, completely bound, in circles, around my home, and then the added intensity of impact and sensation play.

I love the new things he always comes up with to challenge me and push my boundaries. When I don’t think I’m capable of something, he usually thinks I am, and always turns out to be right. His trust in my abilities to take risks, try new and daring things, always leaves me feeling full of confidence I didn’t have before. This is one of the greatest gifts he gives me.

Even the simple act of posting our activities to FL leaves me feeling anxious, always thinking that no one will have any interest in seeing me, what he has done with me. I have self confidence issues, body issues, and yet he sees something in me I struggle to see but obviously others see it too, because without a doubt there is always a great number of people that follow his posts and enjoy our content. I find it shocking every time.

I believe a day will come when I will have the same confidence in the world that I have when in his trusted hands, but for now I can only trust in him. I will believe in what he sees in me and try to see it for myself, and continue to grow into this person so I can try and face the world as a stronger woman.

Onto the next adventure…

Kinky Blonde Girl