Category: Borderline Personality Disorder

Fairytales….how they change

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Oh, how the fairytale has changed.

If you have been with me from the beginning you would know the fairytale began with three pretty but very distinctly different relationships.

Two of those relationships have ceased. One on painful but rather amicable terms, the other, the most recent, on very volatile and tumultuous terms.

I had thought the end had come cleanly and without distaste for each other until 11:05 pm on a Thursday evening when a rage full text message came in and everything changed. Our up until then calm, cool and collected separation had just taken an abrupt 180-degree turn. He was full of anger and hate and was making things up to hate me for. The three days of back and forth emails of how much we each apparently hurt each other just created such emotional chaos in my life.

I have had some time to reflect now, I still stand strong in the decision I made to finally stand in my truth in a relationship that had no room for it. I have been hurt. Actions have been taken against me to hurt me, specifically and maliciously.

But I am so very fortunate. I have good people. I have a great community. He tried to use that community against me but he didn’t realize that they are mine, they are beholden to me before they ever would be to him. They only know him because of me. They only would trust him because they trust me….therefore….if I cannot trust him, they cannot trust him.

They are my people and they are always going to be there for me, and oh how they have been there. I’m so blessed, I’m surrounded by love and support and kindness and I know my community will hold me up while I am picking up the pieces of this broken relationship and the trauma unfortunately left in its wake.

I will admit I was unwise. I fell for the “real submissive” guilt trip. My last partner was really good at telling me if I was a “real submissive” I would do such and such. It came to a point where I chose to endure pain at his hand in the name of being a “real submissive” whether there was any discussion or benefit or understanding between us, that meant nothing to him. I suffered for him for months before I walked away from this relationship because I was trying to be a “real submissive”. But really I was never his submissive so he never deserved any of that from me.

New days today. I suffer for him no more. He will never hurt me again. Physically or emotionally, he has already done his worst. I will stand in my truth today and I have learned from this relationship that I have to learn how to use my voice. He hurt me too much. And I let him.

No more pain. No more disassociation. I want to be present in my life and in my relationships and I’m not going to let myself go there ever again.

So, what is next for this kinky little princess….just wait and see 😉

Kinky Blonde Girl

Overcoming

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Tonight was amazing.

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people that care so deeply for me and my well being.

Following my triggering episode with the chain last week a great friend offered to help me in overcoming that terror and taking ownership over the chain and making it mine again so that I could once again feel the excitement, thrill and pleasure that comes from the strength and intensity that is chain.

My healing journey began by him gently placing a short length of cold chain in my hands, and immediately I could feel the emotions beginning to well up inside of me. As he added more chain to my hands, reminding me I was in control, that I had all of the power, I repeated over and over again in my mind, “I am strong, I am resilient, I am submissive”. Reminding myself who I was, what I was, and that I had everything I needed to overcome this was exactly what I needed.

When those first lengths of chain were removed, a beautiful submissive friend wrapped her arms around me, and held me close, ensuring I knew I was safe.

Later I was laid on the ground, a nice soft and comfortable spot, and slowly heavy cold lengths of weighty chain were slowly draped across my nearly naked body. The intensity of the cold was stunning, but I kept repeating my mantra, over and over, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am strong enough to overcome almost anything. Fleeting thoughts of that man would run through my mind but my concentration was on the chain, I was going to own this chain, it would be mine, part of me, part of my being, and no one is ever going to take that away from me again.

After a great weight of chain had been laid upon me, I was covered in a warm blanket, being cold from the chain and from the emotional response related to it. I was surrounded by two good friends, asking how I was, and reminding me once again of my own power. It was so empowering to have those two friends on either side of the slash supporting me and pouring love and kindness into me to see a healing occur in me.

After a time the chain was removed and a few tears were shed, much shaking occurred and some quiet time wrapped in a warm blanket was on the agenda. But I felt the power, I felt the control, and I can say I even felt some pleasure from that mighty chain.

I’m so grateful for friends that care enough to want to help me through these challenges. I would not have known how to overcome this on my own, but my friend, he knew. And thank goodness for that. Another one for the history books.

I am strong

I am resilient

I am submissive

I have overcome

Kinky Blonde Girl

Triggers

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Sometimes you know what they are and sometimes you don’t.

I have a complex history. My mental health challenges not only include BPD but C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was first diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 23 following a car accident where at the time I was undergoing therapy for a myriad of childhood traumas.

Following years of different therapies, I have a pretty good handle on most of my triggers and how to cope with them in the healthiest manner. But last night I faced a new foe.

I was at a local dungeon party playing with a good friend, and everything was going great during our scene until I felt chain. At first, it was a sensation and impact tool, and immediately it struck a nerve, jolting me into memories of scenes gone by with my former Dom. I thought to myself, ‘I can do this, I won’t let him control me anymore’. But quickly enough that chain was placed over my shoulders resting around my neck and I was instantly transported to a different place and a different time, and the tears poured out of me. Perfect timing for a check-in, as I had to ask to call the scene. I was trapped in a spiral of pain.

I couldn’t have negotiated that out of the scene, as I had no idea I would react that way to the chain. Unfortunately, now I know it has to be a hard limit, at least for some time. Still, so much healing to do.

It still shocks me, although I’m sure it shouldn’t, just how hard it has been to regain my strength and my footing after this relationship. Being only my second but certainly my most intense D/s relationship, I just wasn’t prepared for how hard this recovery was going to be. And to find myself in a puddle because of a length of chain, I’m almost speechless (however obviously not completely).

Thankfully my play partner was awesome and treated me so well and with great kindness and absolute compassion. And I was surrounded by friends which made the experience so much more endurable. Within a short time the tears stopped, the shaking stopped, and my mind was preoccupied with good conversation with friends. I can never say enough good about the people that surround me, I couldn’t possibly be more blessed in that regard.

So triggers, a person must be wary as you just don’t know what might get you when.

Kinky Blonde Girl

An Adjustment to the Tiara Required

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Time to dust off my tiara, carefully place it back on my pretty little head and get back to the business at hand. I have a beautiful life in front of me, and it just took a little reminder from a good friend that all is not lost.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the emotional chaos that my life has been filled with over the last few months that I forget that I have people all around me that I can lean on and will lift me up. I get lost in my head and in all the many many thoughts that continuously run through my mind all day every day. One of the challenges of having Borderline Personality Disorder, my mind is always racing.

I’ve been reminded that I am strong, that I have a lot going for me and bright things are on the horizon. And even if I’m not where I want to be today, the future is golden and full of amazing prospects.

A woman I greatly admire and respect recently told me she was very proud of me and the decisions I was making. That meant a lot, most especially because of who it was coming from. If I can impress this person, I’m doing something right. I must keep my head held high, tiara straight, and look with hopeful anticipation towards the future.

I know I will find my way back to the place of D/s bliss I was in when I started this blog. I must be patient, keep a positive attitude and walk with integrity. If I can do that I know the universe will work everything out according to plan.

Truly I do still believe in fairytales. I just got a little lost for a time. My dreams will come true, I just must be patient in the interim and take the most from the lessons being taught along the way.

To fairytales, may they always be beautiful!

Kinky Blonde Girl

A Special Friendship

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Tonight was wonderful.

What a spectacular evening of dungeon and dancing with my closest friends in the kink community, including my dearest friend and play partner that I have missed playing with in months.

It’s amazing when you realize just how much you were missing something when you feel it again. Being with this play partner always makes me feel so loved, so cherished, as a treasured friend. He always fills me up with goodness in the simplest of ways, and to feel that again tonight was priceless. His arms around me made everything right and his play was simply perfect. Just what I needed with him at this time to reconnect and I know we are exactly where we need to be.

To be surrounded by friends with brilliant smiles and buoyant laughter lifted me up so very much. There is so much to be said about the healing power of being in good company and I continue to be grateful for the good people in my life that continue to pour love into my life.

I keep walking this walk, slow progress it may be, but I am making my way. Beautiful things still keep happening for me and this kinky little princess will just keep dreaming!

Until next time!

Kinky Blonde Girl

Challenges

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Friday night I faced my enemy.

The beautiful relationship that came to a crashing halt because of a Mistress that had to interfere with my happiness.

It was the first time I came face to face with the woman that rocked my fairytale. I spent a great deal of time the night before reconsidering whether I should even attend the event out of an honest concern whether I could bear to be in the same room as her.

When the time came, I put my best face forward, wore a gorgeous cobalt blue summer dress, and felt fantastic. I did take every preventative measure possible to ensure I walked into that event as calm as possible, and I am so happy to say I maintained.

I couldn’t have been much more fortunate than to sit across and one seat away from this person for the entirety of the evening. It was a great test. I had to work to be polite, I’ll be honest. It was such a challenge to listen to her talk. I made every effort to maintain my conversation towards the other end of the table so as to avoid contact as much as possible. However that turned fruitful, I had great conversation, laughed and met new people. A night I was dreading turned out to be fun.

I don’t know if anyone will agree with how I behaved but I am proud of myself for keeping my Borderline self together. Seven hours before I really wasn’t very confident I was going to make it through the night without saying something mean to her. Not because I wanted to, but because I’m just still so hurt.

I’ve been told she meant no harm, but I was the one the words were spoken to and I will always know the look in her eyes when she spewed them at me. If there is one thing a woman knows, it’s when another woman is trying to hurt her.

At the end of the day, I kept my Borderline self together. I maintained wise mind and was able to walk away with a reasonably enjoyable experience. I’m going to work on forgiving her so I don’t feel so much anxiety when these situations arise, but I know it’s going to be a challenge.

Wish me luck 🍀

Kinky Blonde Girl

Finding my way

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It’s a slow process, recovery.

Loss, in any form, takes time to adjust to the change. This has been one of the biggest changes that I can think of that I have had in my life to make mentally and emotionally.

Break ups are always a challenge, but I was in no way prepared for the emptiness I would feel by the loss of my dominant. To lose that structure in my life, the rules, rituals and protocols that went with that relationship were so ingrained into my life that losing them all along with the person I was in relationship with has been devastating.

But I think I’m starting to see the light, starting to find my way. I can’t replicate exactly what I had, but I’m slowly finding ways to feed my submissive nature without having that personal dominant relationship to guide me at this time. I’ve learned I cannot and do not want to live my life without those elements of D/s in my life anymore. I’m utterly lost without being able to kneel. I’m lost without being able to serve. I’m lost without seeing pride and pleasure in my dominant’s eyes.

In saying all of this, although I need these things in order to find complete joy and peace, I do not accept being a doormat to anyone. I refuse to become a doormat submissive to any dominant, so buyer beware. I may wish with all that I am to serve, but I will not give my submission to an unworthy recipient. The man that seeks my submission must be honest, forthright, respectful, and of the highest integrity. He will be served loyally and obediently when I feel that power and control that comes from a pure dominant heart with good intentions.

For now I will continue my research and work on myself and seek to fulfill my submissive needs on my own until such time as I find myself in the position again where I can gleefully kneel and serve.

Today I feel content in myself. I will do whatever I need to.

Kinky Blonde Girl