Category: Borderline Personality Disorder

A Special Friendship

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Tonight was wonderful.

What a spectacular evening of dungeon and dancing with my closest friends in the kink community, including my dearest friend and play partner that I have missed playing with in months.

It’s amazing when you realize just how much you were missing something when you feel it again. Being with this play partner always makes me feel so loved, so cherished, as a treasured friend. He always fills me up with goodness in the simplest of ways, and to feel that again tonight was priceless. His arms around me made everything right and his play was simply perfect. Just what I needed with him at this time to reconnect and I know we are exactly where we need to be.

To be surrounded by friends with brilliant smiles and buoyant laughter lifted me up so very much. There is so much to be said about the healing power of being in good company and I continue to be grateful for the good people in my life that continue to pour love into my life.

I keep walking this walk, slow progress it may be, but I am making my way. Beautiful things still keep happening for me and this kinky little princess will just keep dreaming!

Until next time!

Kinky Blonde Girl

Challenges

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Friday night I faced my enemy.

The beautiful relationship that came to a crashing halt because of a Mistress that had to interfere with my happiness.

It was the first time I came face to face with the woman that rocked my fairytale. I spent a great deal of time the night before reconsidering whether I should even attend the event out of an honest concern whether I could bear to be in the same room as her.

When the time came, I put my best face forward, wore a gorgeous cobalt blue summer dress, and felt fantastic. I did take every preventative measure possible to ensure I walked into that event as calm as possible, and I am so happy to say I maintained.

I couldn’t have been much more fortunate than to sit across and one seat away from this person for the entirety of the evening. It was a great test. I had to work to be polite, I’ll be honest. It was such a challenge to listen to her talk. I made every effort to maintain my conversation towards the other end of the table so as to avoid contact as much as possible. However that turned fruitful, I had great conversation, laughed and met new people. A night I was dreading turned out to be fun.

I don’t know if anyone will agree with how I behaved but I am proud of myself for keeping my Borderline self together. Seven hours before I really wasn’t very confident I was going to make it through the night without saying something mean to her. Not because I wanted to, but because I’m just still so hurt.

I’ve been told she meant no harm, but I was the one the words were spoken to and I will always know the look in her eyes when she spewed them at me. If there is one thing a woman knows, it’s when another woman is trying to hurt her.

At the end of the day, I kept my Borderline self together. I maintained wise mind, and was able to walk away with a reasonably enjoyable experience. I’m going to work on forgiving her so I don’t feel so much anxiety when these situations arise, but I know it’s going to be a challenge.

Wish me luck šŸ€

Kinky Blonde Girl

Finding my way

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It’s a slow process, recovery.

Loss, in any form, takes time to adjust to the change. This has been one of the biggest changes that I can think of that I have had in my life to make mentally and emotionally.

Break ups are always a challenge, but I was in no way prepared for the emptiness I would feel by the loss of my dominant. To lose that structure in my life, the rules, rituals and protocols that went with that relationship were so ingrained into my life that losing them all along with the person I was in relationship with has been devastating.

But I think I’m starting to see the light, starting to find my way. I can’t replicate exactly what I had, but I’m slowly finding ways to feed my submissive nature without having that personal dominant relationship to guide me at this time. I’ve learned I cannot and do not want to live my life without those elements of D/s in my life anymore. I’m utterly lost without being able to kneel. I’m lost without being able to serve. I’m lost without seeing pride and pleasure in my dominant’s eyes.

In saying all of this, although I need these things in order to find complete joy and peace, I do not accept being a doormat to anyone. I refuse to become a doormat submissive to any dominant, so buyer beware. I may wish with all that I am to serve, but I will not give my submission to an unworthy recipient. The man that seeks my submission must be honest, forthright, respectful, and of the highest integrity. He will be served loyally and obediently when I feel that power and control that comes from a pure dominant heart with good intentions.

For now I will continue my research and work on myself and seek to fulfill my submissive needs on my own until such time as I find myself in the position again where I can gleefully kneel and serve.

Today I feel content in myself. I will do whatever I need to.

Kinky Blonde Girl

A lost little submissive

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I’m lonely.

I shouldn’t be.

I’m surrounded by people.

I’m surrounded by love and tenderness and kindness and beautiful experiences.

But I am not submitting. I don’t have anyone who understands how important it is for me to find myself on my knees before a strong dominant man.

The importance of rules and rituals and protocols in my life have now become as vital to me as breathe and water. I feel absolutely lost without them.

I have made some gains. I have taken back the power of my beautiful red restraints and made them mine. I believe this is a step in the right direction but it is just a small one. I have so far to go. The crying has mostly ceased and for that I am also grateful.

I don’t know how I am going to fill this enormous void in my life. I don’t know how to survive until I find it. I can feel it physically hurt to be missing it.

I hope I find a way. Wish me luck.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Self care…missing the obvious

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The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of roller coaster rides.

When I began this blog a little less than a month ago, I was in bliss, happily enjoying my three relationships. I had no worries, no cause for concern beyond the already established situational details like the handsome play partner moving 2700 miles away in a little over a year. Psk, tsk, this kinky little princess wasn’t going to let that get in the way of her then happiness.

All of a sudden everything blew up. Priorities changed, feelings got hurt, people walked away, people didn’t, friendships were leaned upon, relationships grew together and dynamics changed.

But before the crash I got sick. I’m still sick. I’ve tried so hard to take care of myself emotionally that I missed the physical body. My play partner had to express his concern with great worry for the fact that I am still sick, and that I have had laryngitis for twelve days. I was getting lots of sleep and taking cold and flu medication and doing all the usual things one does when sick, except seek medical advice, because it hit too close to home. How could I have been so ridiculous and miss my own self care in such an obvious manner? But I learned a real lesson about missing the body while paying attention only to the mind. That’s not healthy at all.

Once again it took the kindness and compassion of the important people in my life to bring what seems like the obvious to the forefront. But often we get lost in the forest for the trees. That’s sort of what happened to me, in taking care of one part of me I missed the other.

Self care is so much more than steaming cups of tea and bubble baths on a low day. Those things are vitally important if they form part of your self care kit, I know they are part of mine. But remembering the basic physical body, I think that’s an easy oversight for anyone but most acutely when you are mentally ill like me. So important to remain diligent and work on all facets of the human; mind, body and spirit.

If you haven’t made a self care kit for yourself, it’s a spectacular thing to have on hand. Here’s a few ideas to get you started.

To finally getting better!

Kinky Blonde Girl

The end is just a new beginning

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The hour rang. The bell tolled. The conversation started with the simple words “I’m not feeling good” and it was the beginning of the end.

Within a few short lines of text (our primary mode of communication) my relationship with my Dominant had come to an abrupt end. But I was prepared, I was strong, although tears of course found their way to making an appearance.

I have spent days preparing myself for this eventuality, and I was completely ready when the moment arrived. For anyone, the loss of a relationship is a life change. For a submissive, you lose a lot; your rules, your structure, your routine, that person who you offered such control of your life over to is suddenly gone. I anticipate my lifestyle will remain fairly similar, but so many little things I did each day will be missing meaning. For someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), the loss of relationship is always a major blow.

However, I find I am very proud of myself. I used all of my skills. I prepared as much as I could for the fallout. I reached out to trusted resources for support. This situation was not something I wanted to go through without a few hands of support along the way. I will be forever grateful for the friendship that has seen me through. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

I am unsure of my footing today. I don’t know exactly what to do, except to put one foot in front of the other, and just keep going. Keep walking, the path still calls, but for now it will be a slightly slower pace at which I take the journey as I endeavor to heal. And heal I will, and beauty I will find surrounds me in all manner of ways. I just must wake to the sight of it again, but I know that time will come, and I have faith that it will be sooner rather than later.

I look forward, forward to the future, to what is to come. I still believe in dreams, in fairytales, and I am never going to give up trying until my dreams come true. This kinky little princess has big ideas for her life and nothing is going to get in the way of them coming to fruition.

Onward and upward, towards brighter days ahead.

The end really is just the beginning.

Where will the fairytale take me now?

Kinky Blonde Girl

How Iā€™m going thrive through the storm

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I am finding the courage to walk away from relationships that are no longer bearing fruit.

I am finding the strength to walk this out with grace.

I forgive those who have hurt me.

I refuse to hold onto resentment.

I pray that those who love and support me today do not leave me.

I will be thankful for the friendship that has surrounded me as I have prepared for this challenge.

I will focus my energy on trying to stay safe, strong, healthy, and stable through the coming days and weeks.

I will exercise to focus my anxious energy on something productive.

I will eat healthy to ensure I have proper nutrition giving me strength and leveling anxiety.

I will drink plenty of water to ensure I am well hydrated in preparation for the spontaneous tears that are guaranteed to come.

I will meditate and use mindfulness techniques to keep my mind centered and calm.

I will get plenty of sleep, ensuring my best possible mindset to approach each day with.

I am fully aware that I am facing pain, heartache and loneliness. But I know I can walk this out with my head held high if I just have my head in the game.

I am strong

I am well able

I am an overcomer

I am more than a conqueror

I can do all things that come my way

I have survived more in my life than many people would ever even contemplate possible for one person to endure, and I stand tall, ready for the next challenge to come my way. I will do my very best to handle it with grace, because I know the best way to recover from anything is to walk it out well.

I’m going to get up, dust off my tiara, and move ahead into the future. This kinky little princess has a bright one to look forward to as long as she keeps looking to her dreams as guidance, and never lets them go.

Through the storm into the dream…

I can see the future now…

Kinky Blonde Girl