Fairytales….how they change

Oh, how the fairytale has changed.

If you have been with me from the beginning you would know the fairytale began with three pretty but very distinctly different relationships.

Two of those relationships have ceased. One on painful but rather amicable terms, the other, the most recent, on very volatile and tumultuous terms.

I had thought the end had come cleanly and without distaste for each other until 11:05 pm on a Thursday evening when a rage full text message came in and everything changed. Our up until then calm, cool and collected separation had just taken an abrupt 180-degree turn. He was full of anger and hate and was making things up to hate me for. The three days of back and forth emails of how much we each apparently hurt each other just created such emotional chaos in my life.

I have had some time to reflect now, I still stand strong in the decision I made to finally stand in my truth in a relationship that had no room for it. I have been hurt. Actions have been taken against me to hurt me, specifically and maliciously.

But I am so very fortunate. I have good people. I have a great community. He tried to use that community against me but he didn’t realize that they are mine, they are beholden to me before they ever would be to him. They only know him because of me. They only would trust him because they trust me….therefore….if I cannot trust him, they cannot trust him.

They are my people and they are always going to be there for me, and oh how they have been there. I’m so blessed, I’m surrounded by love and support and kindness and I know my community will hold me up while I am picking up the pieces of this broken relationship and the trauma unfortunately left in its wake.

I will admit I was unwise. I fell for the “real submissive” guilt trip. My last partner was really good at telling me if I was a “real submissive” I would do such and such. It came to a point where I chose to endure pain at his hand in the name of being a “real submissive” whether there was any discussion or benefit or understanding between us, that meant nothing to him. I suffered for him for months before I walked away from this relationship because I was trying to be a “real submissive”. But really I was never his submissive so he never deserved any of that from me.

New days today. I suffer for him no more. He will never hurt me again. Physically or emotionally, he has already done his worst. I will stand in my truth today and I have learned from this relationship that I have to learn how to use my voice. He hurt me too much. And I let him.

No more pain. No more disassociation. I want to be present in my life and in my relationships and I’m not going to let myself go there ever again.

So, what is next for this kinky little princess….just wait and see 😉

Kinky Blonde Girl

Overcoming

Tonight was amazing.

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people that care so deeply for me and my well being.

Following my triggering episode with the chain last week a great friend offered to help me in overcoming that terror and taking ownership over the chain and making it mine again so that I could once again feel the excitement, thrill and pleasure that comes from the strength and intensity that is chain.

My healing journey began by him gently placing a short length of cold chain in my hands, and immediately I could feel the emotions beginning to well up inside of me. As he added more chain to my hands, reminding me I was in control, that I had all of the power, I repeated over and over again in my mind, “I am strong, I am resilient, I am submissive”. Reminding myself who I was, what I was, and that I had everything I needed to overcome this was exactly what I needed.

When those first lengths of chain were removed, a beautiful submissive friend wrapped her arms around me, and held me close, ensuring I knew I was safe.

Later I was laid on the ground, a nice soft and comfortable spot, and slowly heavy cold lengths of weighty chain were slowly draped across my nearly naked body. The intensity of the cold was stunning, but I kept repeating my mantra, over and over, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am strong enough to overcome almost anything. Fleeting thoughts of that man would run through my mind but my concentration was on the chain, I was going to own this chain, it would be mine, part of me, part of my being, and no one is ever going to take that away from me again.

After a great weight of chain had been laid upon me, I was covered in a warm blanket, being cold from the chain and from the emotional response related to it. I was surrounded by two good friends, asking how I was, and reminding me once again of my own power. It was so empowering to have those two friends on either side of the slash supporting me and pouring love and kindness into me to see a healing occur in me.

After a time the chain was removed and a few tears were shed, much shaking occurred and some quiet time wrapped in a warm blanket was on the agenda. But I felt the power, I felt the control, and I can say I even felt some pleasure from that mighty chain.

I’m so grateful for friends that care enough to want to help me through these challenges. I would not have known how to overcome this on my own, but my friend, he knew. And thank goodness for that. Another one for the history books.

I am strong

I am resilient

I am submissive

I have overcome

Kinky Blonde Girl

Triggers

Sometimes you know what they are and sometimes you don’t.

I have a complex history. My mental health challenges not only include BPD but C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was first diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 23 following a car accident where at the time I was undergoing therapy for a myriad of childhood traumas.

Following years of different therapies, I have a pretty good handle on most of my triggers and how to cope with them in the healthiest manner. But last night I faced a new foe.

I was at a local dungeon party playing with a good friend, and everything was going great during our scene until I felt chain. At first, it was a sensation and impact tool, and immediately it struck a nerve, jolting me into memories of scenes gone by with my former Dom. I thought to myself, ‘I can do this, I won’t let him control me anymore’. But quickly enough that chain was placed over my shoulders resting around my neck and I was instantly transported to a different place and a different time, and the tears poured out of me. Perfect timing for a check-in, as I had to ask to call the scene. I was trapped in a spiral of pain.

I couldn’t have negotiated that out of the scene, as I had no idea I would react that way to the chain. Unfortunately, now I know it has to be a hard limit, at least for some time. Still, so much healing to do.

It still shocks me, although I’m sure it shouldn’t, just how hard it has been to regain my strength and my footing after this relationship. Being only my second but certainly my most intense D/s relationship, I just wasn’t prepared for how hard this recovery was going to be. And to find myself in a puddle because of a length of chain, I’m almost speechless (however obviously not completely).

Thankfully my play partner was awesome and treated me so well and with great kindness and absolute compassion. And I was surrounded by friends which made the experience so much more endurable. Within a short time the tears stopped, the shaking stopped, and my mind was preoccupied with good conversation with friends. I can never say enough good about the people that surround me, I couldn’t possibly be more blessed in that regard.

So triggers, a person must be wary as you just don’t know what might get you when.

Kinky Blonde Girl