Fairytales….how they change

Oh, how the fairytale has changed.

If you have been with me from the beginning you would know the fairytale began with three pretty but very distinctly different relationships.

Two of those relationships have ceased. One on painful but rather amicable terms, the other, the most recent, on very volatile and tumultuous terms.

I had thought the end had come cleanly and without distaste for each other until 11:05 pm on a Thursday evening when a rage full text message came in and everything changed. Our up until then calm, cool and collected separation had just taken an abrupt 180-degree turn. He was full of anger and hate and was making things up to hate me for. The three days of back and forth emails of how much we each apparently hurt each other just created such emotional chaos in my life.

I have had some time to reflect now, I still stand strong in the decision I made to finally stand in my truth in a relationship that had no room for it. I have been hurt. Actions have been taken against me to hurt me, specifically and maliciously.

But I am so very fortunate. I have good people. I have a great community. He tried to use that community against me but he didn’t realize that they are mine, they are beholden to me before they ever would be to him. They only know him because of me. They only would trust him because they trust me….therefore….if I cannot trust him, they cannot trust him.

They are my people and they are always going to be there for me, and oh how they have been there. I’m so blessed, I’m surrounded by love and support and kindness and I know my community will hold me up while I am picking up the pieces of this broken relationship and the trauma unfortunately left in its wake.

I will admit I was unwise. I fell for the “real submissive” guilt trip. My last partner was really good at telling me if I was a “real submissive” I would do such and such. It came to a point where I chose to endure pain at his hand in the name of being a “real submissive” whether there was any discussion or benefit or understanding between us, that meant nothing to him. I suffered for him for months before I walked away from this relationship because I was trying to be a “real submissive”. But really I was never his submissive so he never deserved any of that from me.

New days today. I suffer for him no more. He will never hurt me again. Physically or emotionally, he has already done his worst. I will stand in my truth today and I have learned from this relationship that I have to learn how to use my voice. He hurt me too much. And I let him.

No more pain. No more disassociation. I want to be present in my life and in my relationships and I’m not going to let myself go there ever again.

So, what is next for this kinky little princess….just wait and see 😉

Kinky Blonde Girl

Another shake up

I have made another big decision.

It was time for change.

Following last weeks events where my play partner declared his “ownership” of me I started doing some serious thinking about this relationship. There was just no way this overstepping of boundaries could be ignored.

And subsequent to that I attended the amazing weekend where I saw my submissive side shine, and shine like it hasn’t in so long. He has no interest in pulling her out of me, in seeing me kneel, serve and feel useful. Our entire relationship is void of that, and Tuesday night it became so crystal clear to me that I could no longer keep pretending this was working and making me happy. It just wasn’t.

So yesterday I had to call it, put an end to another relationship that was no longer bearing fruit. We ended on good terms, and I hope nothing but the best for him in his future. But now I am free to start living for mine.

Now to see what opportunities arise. What does this bright future have in store for this kinky little princess. It’s bound to be amazing!

To the future ✨

Kinky Blonde Girl

Really!

Forgive me but it’s a bit of a rant today.

I find myself completely frustrated and actually full of anger today because of the events of last evening.

I have been with my play partner since January of this year and for the most part, it’s a good relationship. It’s not ideal, he’s not a dominant in the pure sense, only really a Top in the bedroom, but we have had some fun over this past year.

Now we have always maintained that this was a poly relationship for a multitude of reasons. He does have a bit of a jealous streak so we do not discuss my other play partners or activities. This has been maintained throughout our relationship in order to keep the peace.

Until last night. During our scene, he noticed bruises on my nipples from wearing clamps and had to question me about them. I told them where they came from and his response was “no one else shall be damaging my property”.

His property! What! Where did he get that idea? I wear no collar! I belong to no one right now!

That he can believe that he owns me simply by the amount of time spent together frustrates me to no end. It takes a lot more than that to own a person, you have to actually commit to them, you must actually do something for them, for their wellbeing, meet their needs and expectations. Now as much as I adore this man (most days) he does not meet my submissive needs, he cannot and will not because it is not who he is. I accept that he is incapable of providing me with what I need as a submissive and try to enjoy what time we have left together before he leaves and begins his new life very far away because I do care about him and enjoy our time together.

But, last night may have spelled disaster for it all. In his moment of jealousy, he ensured that no one would doubt that I belonged to someone by leaving me with riding crop bruises all over my breasts. If these marks had been made in some fun kinky scene they would bother me none, but the fact that I am marked with painful bruises because of his childish insecurities about something that isn’t true just devastates me. I don’t know why I keep being hurt by the people who profess to care for me.

I’m really not sure how to proceed from here. I honestly don’t even know how to broach this conversation with him. I know it will devastate him to know how much he has hurt me, and that he may have caused irreparable damage to our relationship, but there is a reality he must face. He does NOT own me. I am NOT his property. He has had no interest in being responsible for me and my well being and the things that are important to me but all of a sudden he wants to claim ownership over what isn’t his. That is not how it works.

Today I am honestly seeking advice. If anyone has any bright ideas for me please do tell as I am at the end of my rope. I have little patience left and I don’t know what to do next.

If only the fairytale was easy!

Kinky Blonde Girl

Triggers

Sometimes you know what they are and sometimes you don’t.

I have a complex history. My mental health challenges not only include BPD but C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was first diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 23 following a car accident where at the time I was undergoing therapy for a myriad of childhood traumas.

Following years of different therapies, I have a pretty good handle on most of my triggers and how to cope with them in the healthiest manner. But last night I faced a new foe.

I was at a local dungeon party playing with a good friend, and everything was going great during our scene until I felt chain. At first, it was a sensation and impact tool, and immediately it struck a nerve, jolting me into memories of scenes gone by with my former Dom. I thought to myself, ‘I can do this, I won’t let him control me anymore’. But quickly enough that chain was placed over my shoulders resting around my neck and I was instantly transported to a different place and a different time, and the tears poured out of me. Perfect timing for a check-in, as I had to ask to call the scene. I was trapped in a spiral of pain.

I couldn’t have negotiated that out of the scene, as I had no idea I would react that way to the chain. Unfortunately, now I know it has to be a hard limit, at least for some time. Still, so much healing to do.

It still shocks me, although I’m sure it shouldn’t, just how hard it has been to regain my strength and my footing after this relationship. Being only my second but certainly my most intense D/s relationship, I just wasn’t prepared for how hard this recovery was going to be. And to find myself in a puddle because of a length of chain, I’m almost speechless (however obviously not completely).

Thankfully my play partner was awesome and treated me so well and with great kindness and absolute compassion. And I was surrounded by friends which made the experience so much more endurable. Within a short time the tears stopped, the shaking stopped, and my mind was preoccupied with good conversation with friends. I can never say enough good about the people that surround me, I couldn’t possibly be more blessed in that regard.

So triggers, a person must be wary as you just don’t know what might get you when.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Submissive bliss, a beautiful place

It’s amazing the power a few little pieces of leather and a couple of well-spoken words can have.

For the first time in over four months, I felt the wonderful feeling of leather being fastened tightly around my wrists and ankles, and I quickly fell into submissive bliss. But the unexpected happened, the beautiful collar that is part of my crimson red set of restraints found its way to my lonely and bare neck. As my play partner put it into place and cinched it tightly, I felt absolutely at ease, a peacefulness and happiness I haven’t felt in a great long time.

But it didn’t end there. For what I believe was the first time I heard the words “good girl” from my play partner. I melted. I couldn’t have written the scene better myself if I had tried. It’s not that I think he considers me anything else, but I have never voiced to him how much power those words yield over me, and just how intensely I react to hearing them. Another situation proving just how much communication is key to the success of any relationship. How could he possibly know unless I tell him how much they mean to me.

Submissive bliss, so hard to find at times and then when it finds you it pours down like a beautiful tropical shower of warm goodness. I couldn’t possibly have felt any happier in those moments and to finally feel the leather against my skin again, just made this kinky little princess smile brighter than she has in months. What was lost has been found again, my little submissive self is slowly coming back to life.

And who knew all it took was a little leather and two little words.

To all the good girls out there, shine bright! I know I am!

Kinky Blonde Girl

An Adjustment to the Tiara Required

Time to dust off my tiara, carefully place it back on my pretty little head and get back to the business at hand. I have a beautiful life in front of me, and it just took a little reminder from a good friend that all is not lost.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the emotional chaos that my life has been filled with over the last few months that I forget that I have people all around me that I can lean on and will lift me up. I get lost in my head and in all the many many thoughts that continuously run through my mind all day every day. One of the challenges of having Borderline Personality Disorder, my mind is always racing.

I’ve been reminded that I am strong, that I have a lot going for me and bright things are on the horizon. And even if I’m not where I want to be today, the future is golden and full of amazing prospects.

A woman I greatly admire and respect recently told me she was very proud of me and the decisions I was making. That meant a lot, most especially because of who it was coming from. If I can impress this person, I’m doing something right. I must keep my head held high, tiara straight, and look with hopeful anticipation towards the future.

I know I will find my way back to the place of D/s bliss I was in when I started this blog. I must be patient, keep a positive attitude and walk with integrity. If I can do that I know the universe will work everything out according to plan.

Truly I do still believe in fairytales. I just got a little lost for a time. My dreams will come true, I just must be patient in the interim and take the most from the lessons being taught along the way.

To fairytales, may they always be beautiful!

Kinky Blonde Girl

The Modern Fairytale

What was once a beautiful fairytale only a few short months ago when I began this blog, so quickly started to spiral out of control and into complete disarray.

First I lost my Dom who I loved and meant so very much to me. Now I have lost a dear friend, a play partner, to a relationship he greatly deserves but a loss all the same. And the play partner I’m still in relationship with will be leaving me soon enough for his new life far, far away.

I don’t know where I stand or what I should do anymore. A part of me wants to give up and call it a day. I’ve been waiting for something good to happen but it just doesn’t seem to be meant to be. It appears obvious at this juncture that happiness is not in the cards for this kinky little princess. Perhaps it’s time to hang up my tiara and accept defeat. I feel like I am destined for a life where challenge is on the menu more so than happiness and pleasure.

Thank you to everyone who has followed me on this journey so far. I will try my best to find a way to find another dream but for now it appears as if they have all died.

Kinky Blonde Girl