Tears…..

Last night I had an experience like none I had yet to experience. It was profound and I am still somewhat shaken by it.

My play partner and I were in a scene, doing needle play, which I am just coming to take an interest in. “Take a deep breath” and the needle went into my skin, a brief piercing pain shot through me and all of a sudden I was flooded by tears.

These were no regular “I got poked by a needle” tears. Something was happening inside of me, the tears came and failed to cease. I sobbed and sobbed and at first, a part of me felt like I needed to stop the tears, stop the crying, compose myself, and then I realized that there must be a reason for it and I allowed myself to sink into those feelings, that emotional response and it was incredibly intense. There was a reason for those tears, only my subconscious knows what it is.

We continued to play for some time but eventually, I had to call the scene. I was so overwhelmed by all of those emotions that had been pouring out of me, I just couldn’t keep going at a certain point. Another first. But I stood in my truth again and it was easier this time than the last.

I’m gaining confidence. This summer has been hard on the confidence, but it’s coming back. I’m getting back to where I was. The slow process continues and I imagine this was just one more step in the right direction. A huge emotional release.

Here’s hoping my next experience is a little bit lighter.

Onto the next adventure.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Challenges

Friday night I faced my enemy.

The beautiful relationship that came to a crashing halt because of a Mistress that had to interfere with my happiness.

It was the first time I came face to face with the woman that rocked my fairytale. I spent a great deal of time the night before reconsidering whether I should even attend the event out of an honest concern whether I could bear to be in the same room as her.

When the time came, I put my best face forward, wore a gorgeous cobalt blue summer dress, and felt fantastic. I did take every preventative measure possible to ensure I walked into that event as calm as possible, and I am so happy to say I maintained.

I couldn’t have been much more fortunate than to sit across and one seat away from this person for the entirety of the evening. It was a great test. I had to work to be polite, I’ll be honest. It was such a challenge to listen to her talk. I made every effort to maintain my conversation towards the other end of the table so as to avoid contact as much as possible. However that turned fruitful, I had great conversation, laughed and met new people. A night I was dreading turned out to be fun.

I don’t know if anyone will agree with how I behaved but I am proud of myself for keeping my Borderline self together. Seven hours before I really wasn’t very confident I was going to make it through the night without saying something mean to her. Not because I wanted to, but because I’m just still so hurt.

I’ve been told she meant no harm, but I was the one the words were spoken to and I will always know the look in her eyes when she spewed them at me. If there is one thing a woman knows, it’s when another woman is trying to hurt her.

At the end of the day, I kept my Borderline self together. I maintained wise mind and was able to walk away with a reasonably enjoyable experience. I’m going to work on forgiving her so I don’t feel so much anxiety when these situations arise, but I know it’s going to be a challenge.

Wish me luck 🍀

Kinky Blonde Girl

Finding my way

It’s a slow process, recovery.

Loss, in any form, takes time to adjust to the change. This has been one of the biggest changes that I can think of that I have had in my life to make mentally and emotionally.

Break ups are always a challenge, but I was in no way prepared for the emptiness I would feel by the loss of my dominant. To lose that structure in my life, the rules, rituals and protocols that went with that relationship were so ingrained into my life that losing them all along with the person I was in relationship with has been devastating.

But I think I’m starting to see the light, starting to find my way. I can’t replicate exactly what I had, but I’m slowly finding ways to feed my submissive nature without having that personal dominant relationship to guide me at this time. I’ve learned I cannot and do not want to live my life without those elements of D/s in my life anymore. I’m utterly lost without being able to kneel. I’m lost without being able to serve. I’m lost without seeing pride and pleasure in my dominant’s eyes.

In saying all of this, although I need these things in order to find complete joy and peace, I do not accept being a doormat to anyone. I refuse to become a doormat submissive to any dominant, so buyer beware. I may wish with all that I am to serve, but I will not give my submission to an unworthy recipient. The man that seeks my submission must be honest, forthright, respectful, and of the highest integrity. He will be served loyally and obediently when I feel that power and control that comes from a pure dominant heart with good intentions.

For now I will continue my research and work on myself and seek to fulfill my submissive needs on my own until such time as I find myself in the position again where I can gleefully kneel and serve.

Today I feel content in myself. I will do whatever I need to.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Deceit, a dangerous game

It’s been an interesting year.

I have come to learn a great deal.

I have met some incredibly interesting people.

I have been lied to continuously by dominants for the most ridiculous and selfish of reasons.

I am at a loss for all the lies that I have encountered.

I do not understand why a dominant must maintain that he is monogamous if he is not. Why must a double standard exist for a man to date multiple women but not for those women to date multiple men. Or at least have the right to the up front knowledge of the other women he is dating. Why lie?

I do not understand why a dominant would enter into relationship with a submissive without explaining first his intentions as for other relationships. This is critical information. If the submissive is expected to play a role and fulfill a need for him related to his other relationships, she must be made aware at the outset of the relationship. This is a lie of omission and an incredibly grievous offense.

I do not understand why a dominant chooses lies and deceit, in the end it is all simply a loss.

It is so foolish for anyone to think that this type of behavior is sustainable. It never is and at some point the truth always comes out and it’s never usually pretty.

I’m watching one such scenario unfold at present. This person was once very important to me, yielding great power in my life. But their lies and deceit have led them to the periphery of my world now. I believe I am watching the slow destruction of a beautiful life, and I think everything just may come crashing down for this person.

It’s terribly tragic that people think they can behave in such a manner that they ultimately treat others with such disrespect that their selfishness wounds all.

And really isn’t that the simple thing it all comes down to at the core, selfishness. If they weren’t so selfish, and could possibly consider another human being for a millisecond then we wouldn’t end up with so many people hurt and broken relationships with heartbroken souls trying to find peace from the destruction left in the wake of the monster that is deceit.

I stand tall, and strong, and confident, and on the winning side today.

But too much deceit has crossed my path in my days and it’s time for it to come to a stop. The liars need to be called out for what they are.

This kinky little princess is putting her perfectly heeled foot down. No more.

I absolutely refuse to listen to any more lies, I refuse to allow myself to be manipulated by deceit. I am a strong woman, a smart woman, a beautiful, sexy, talented, passionate, encapsulating woman. I deserve so much better than any man who will play petty little games such as these.

But beware, the most charming, most handsome, most successful, most affluent, they are the most likely to deceive because they have the most to lose. Let’s never forget that. Remember, always be mindful! Know your opponent! And yes, love is war!

Never allow yourself to be deceived.

Kinky Blonde Girl

The Missing Pieces

It’s the little things really.

Last night I went to bed and an emptiness came over me. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t wearing my locks, my collar, there was no bondage to sleep in this night, or any night hereafter. My neck felt naked, so incredibly bare, and it was the first time in the past week that I had noticed that loss.

I was never formally collared, but from the moment his collar was placed around my neck and the words “You are mine” were whispered in my ear, I was his. I slept many a night locked in his collar and my restraints, they once gave me great comfort. And although last night was dreadful to endure, I hope that I will only need to feel that pain once, and it will be easier the next time I notice my naked neck.

Now my restraints are simply accompaniments to my collection of kink essentials. However, they are beautiful, and I will enjoy them always as I have had many a wonderful experience in them. They are a beautiful crimson red, my absolute favorite. I write this envisioning a day that I will find myself bound in them once again, under the control of a strong dominant man, submitting myself with all that I am, to experience that beautiful feeling of bondage again.

So funny how it’s the little things that get you. I had no expectation when I went to bed last night, or any other night for that matter, that I would be hit by that. Once again it was like a flood, overpowering me, the emptiness of it all. No collar around my neck, no restraints on my wrists and ankles, no chiming of the locks as I moved. This I will most certainly miss, along with the man I used to wear them for.

I’m still finding beauty all around me and I’m doing my best to appreciate all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. Somehow, I still have to feel this pain.

But….a new day has dawned, and I must carry on without. Today should be easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be easier than today.

Onto better days ahead. I declare today to be a good one!

Kinky Blonde Girl

To Beautiful Days

Today is a beautiful day!

I woke with anticipation for a day on a lovely quiet island away from the hustle and bustle and busyness of the city. Just what this princess needed to restore herself.

And off I went. On an early morning boat taking me into the arms of a man who has been standing by me, listening to me and being everything in the world I could possibly ask for. I know, what is wrong with me right? Well, he had a plan when I met him, and it’s a long distance plan. And what our future might be, well, it’s unknown.

But what a beautiful day I have had. It did start off a little rocky, as I need to learn how to walk the very large dog better (he won in a tug of war you might say). We did a little shopping and then off for a lovely breakfast at a quaint little cafe. Sitting in the sun, enjoying the morning and fantastic company, all I felt was joy.

Breakfast was followed up by an amazing two hour long massage, being treated like the kinky little princess that I am. Now I’ll fully admit, this was therapeutic, but it still felt absolutely fantastic and was the most amazing thing that could have happened to me today.

Then onto a leisurely drive across island to a beautiful park for an afternoon walk in the forest. Surrounded by the majesty of the lush green rainforest around me, I felt complete peace. For the first time in days, peace, harmony, contentment. I spotted a perfect little tree to climb up into and took a bunch of fun, silly, Snapchat filter pictures. Just having an enjoyable afternoon, breathing the fresh air, being free, noticing the little things and finally feeling like I might be coming out on the other side.

It’s a good feeling. A strong, clear headed, wise mind, focused, peaceful, restful, at ease kind of feeling. Like the planets are all finally coming into alignment. Maybe I’ve been waiting for this day longer than I even realized. For some reason today I feel an ease, like some weight has been lifted from me. Almost as if somehow everything is going to be a little bit easier from now on. I don’t know what it is, but I’ll take it.

To peace and tranquility….and the amazing man that illuminated my day.

Kinky Blonde Girl

The end is just a new beginning

The hour rang. The bell tolled. The conversation started with the simple words “I’m not feeling good” and it was the beginning of the end.

Within a few short lines of text (our primary mode of communication) my relationship with my Dominant had come to an abrupt end. But I was prepared, I was strong, although tears of course found their way to making an appearance.

I have spent days preparing myself for this eventuality, and I was completely ready when the moment arrived. For anyone, the loss of a relationship is a life change. For a submissive, you lose a lot; your rules, your structure, your routine, that person who you offered such control of your life over to is suddenly gone. I anticipate my lifestyle will remain fairly similar, but so many little things I did each day will be missing meaning. For someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), the loss of relationship is always a major blow.

However, I find I am very proud of myself. I used all of my skills. I prepared as much as I could for the fallout. I reached out to trusted resources for support. This situation was not something I wanted to go through without a few hands of support along the way. I will be forever grateful for the friendship that has seen me through. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

I am unsure of my footing today. I don’t know exactly what to do, except to put one foot in front of the other, and just keep going. Keep walking, the path still calls, but for now it will be a slightly slower pace at which I take the journey as I endeavor to heal. And heal I will, and beauty I will find surrounds me in all manner of ways. I just must wake to the sight of it again, but I know that time will come, and I have faith that it will be sooner rather than later.

I look forward, forward to the future, to what is to come. I still believe in dreams, in fairytales, and I am never going to give up trying until my dreams come true. This kinky little princess has big ideas for her life and nothing is going to get in the way of them coming to fruition.

Onward and upward, towards brighter days ahead.

The end really is just the beginning.

Where will the fairytale take me now?

Kinky Blonde Girl