Contemplating my role…

As I sit and contemplate the last several months so many different things come to my mind about my role as a submissive. So much has been learned from my relationships, most especially I find from that extraordinary connection found between Dominant and submissive. I am recalling my days as my former Sir’s submissive with great affection and gratitude for all I take from that incredibly intense and beautiful relationship.

Below you will find excerpts of a “submissive love letter” to my former Sir. I am so thankful I can look upon these words with a heart full of appreciation for all of the amazing experiences and growth I received in my time as His. I will be forever grateful for what I have learned, particularly about myself.

my mind wanders back to when everything changed, and the beginning of a wonderful mystery was upon us Master. within days our first meeting occurred and i was quickly drawn into Your kink, with Your kindness, strength, and dominance all giving me courage and helping me to trust You in the things to come Master. i immediately felt safe with You and as You remind me over and over again that i am safe in Your hands, that feeling continues until today Master.

in the beginning when You provided me with Your initial list of expectations, You became my Sir, and my submissive spirit began to grow for You Master. it was so easy to fall quickly for You, as the time we spent chatting beforehand had allowed me the opportunity to learn some about You and i always found You kind and respectful in every way Master.

from Our first encounter i was filled with such trust for You, from the first moments You walked in the door, and You have always ensured i felt safe in Your hands Master. i am always reminded that i am Yours, and that You have me, and those actions have allowed me to trust in You when i didn’t trust in myself, to believe in Your faith in my abilities and to take amazing risks that have reaped spectacular rewards Master.

Our play has been breathtaking, every experience something new, exciting and i always seem to learn something about myself Master. You challenge me and make my body do things i never in my dreams imagined and although sometimes i feel pressed to my limits, i am always bestowed with great pleasure time after time Master. You make me feel vulnerable but i always know that i am in an artists hands and know You will never purposefully hurt me Master. there is a closeness between us, and i honestly believe that because of this play, because of the trust that is gained each time We have the opportunity to be together and You are able to take me to those places only You control, i find myself completely enthralled by you Master. it’s as if You find more of me every time We are together and that just makes me shine when i think of You Master.

i am grateful for the new things that You have given me to do, as i find myself wanting to be of better service to You Master. Your care for me is always noted and appreciated more than You could ever know Master.

i have learned a great deal about myself Master. You are teaching me more than i think You will ever realize Master. it really is a pleasure to wake up to a message from You every day, i look forward to it more than You will ever know Master. i am blessed to be called Your submissive and find myself honoured every time i wear Your collar, regardless of official meaning or not Master. it has immense meaning for me, and i always feel close to You when i am locked up tight in my restraints and collar Master. if i must be at a distance from You, they provide an opportunity to have a little bit of You close to me Master. i hope to be a good submissive to You, and i will always work to be a submissive You can be proud to call Yours Master. Thank You for believing in me when i don’t believe in myself, You have no idea what this means Master.

This is part of my history now, part of who I am, who I will become. This experience has been so profound I cannot think of another in my life to equal it. I wait anxiously for the day that I may kneel again, and to see that same pride in the eyes of another Dominant.

To the beautiful future that awaits me.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Submission…it is calling

It’s so funny how and when things happen.

Several months ago I was regularly speaking with a Dominant in a loosely structured D/s style arrangement. He is quite handsome, a fitness fanatic, and a very good listener offering sage advice when the time has called for him to do so. And then life happens to all of us and he had to turn inward, deal with “curve balls” as he put it. So we lost touch.

But how fortuitously that following recent events this handsome man has made a reappearance in my life. Coincidence, maybe, maybe not.

What I do know is how I seek to serve. How much pleasure I receive from performing a task set before me. I didn’t even realize how desperately I was missing it until I was given a task and my heart leapt with joy because of it.

It was a kinky little task, fun, flirty and brought me back to life again. And an endurance task at that, so communication throughout the day was maintained, and several little tasks went along with the over-arching task. I was fulfilled throughout the day by my duty to serve this Dominant in this manner, and it felt so good to feel that awesomeness again.

To serve again, it was so wonderful. To hear “good girl” over and over throughout the day was so uplifting. To perform a set task well for a Dominant provides me with such joy that it is simply unexplainable.

I do hope to find myself in service once again soon. It truly does brighten my life to serve another. And honestly that service can look a lot of different ways, but at the end of the day, if I am performing well for Him, and He is pleased by me, I am a happy submissive.

To serve and obey….

Kinky Blonde Girl

Self care…missing the obvious

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of roller coaster rides.

When I began this blog a little less than a month ago, I was in bliss, happily enjoying my three relationships. I had no worries, no cause for concern beyond the already established situational details like the handsome play partner moving 2700 miles away in a little over a year. Psk, tsk, this kinky little princess wasn’t going to let that get in the way of her then happiness.

All of a sudden everything blew up. Priorities changed, feelings got hurt, people walked away, people didn’t, friendships were leaned upon, relationships grew together and dynamics changed.

But before the crash I got sick. I’m still sick. I’ve tried so hard to take care of myself emotionally that I missed the physical body. My play partner had to express his concern with great worry for the fact that I am still sick, and that I have had laryngitis for twelve days. I was getting lots of sleep and taking cold and flu medication and doing all the usual things one does when sick, except seek medical advice, because it hit too close to home. How could I have been so ridiculous and miss my own self care in such an obvious manner? But I learned a real lesson about missing the body while paying attention only to the mind. That’s not healthy at all.

Once again it took the kindness and compassion of the important people in my life to bring what seems like the obvious to the forefront. But often we get lost in the forest for the trees. That’s sort of what happened to me, in taking care of one part of me I missed the other.

Self care is so much more than steaming cups of tea and bubble baths on a low day. Those things are vitally important if they form part of your self care kit, I know they are part of mine. But remembering the basic physical body, I think that’s an easy oversight for anyone but most acutely when you are mentally ill like me. So important to remain diligent and work on all facets of the human; mind, body and spirit.

If you haven’t made a self care kit for yourself, it’s a spectacular thing to have on hand. Here’s a few ideas to get you started.

To finally getting better!

Kinky Blonde Girl

And the learning never ends…

So much of the journey has been about learning. Information overload sometimes. But absolutely necessary when broaching a topic as complex as Dominance and submission and power exchange in general. It comes to mind following our local chapter’s MAsT (Masters And slaves Together) Discussion Night last evening.

My walk has been a busy one. At one point only a few months ago I barely found myself with a free evening in the week. I was running between coffee nights, workshops, munchs, dungeon parties, and play dates, all the while keeping up with my vanilla life’s commitments. So much learning to be done and I was going to be sure to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible.

Learning is not attained by chance. It must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.      

Abigail Adams

I have been incredibly fortunate to have walked into an outstanding community filled with opportunities for growth and knowledge. Wonderful women on both sides of the slash have come into my life and poured their advice into me which has been immensely helpful. Interestingly enough, they will never know just how or when their little jewels of wisdom will come into play, and I find myself pulling from the data stores of kink information buried in my mind at the most interesting of moments. I’m so thankful for these wise women, and men, who have shared their years of experience with me, that I might learn from them, I count it a great honor.

Following this latest learning opportunity, and information contained therein, I’m deeply contemplating my role as a submissive today. So much has happened lately that it seems wise to honestly evaluate myself and what I really want and need for myself and my future. I thought I knew, but then life happens and you just never know anything anymore. Time to re-evaluate and get centered.

Many things have not changed, that I know.

I am sub.

I will be happy and at peace.

I will serve and obey.

I will seek to please.

I will humbly kneel for the dominant who respects and honors my loyalty and obedience.

Until I kneel again….

Kinky Blonde Girl

I used a safeword…oh my

Well, I suppose I knew the day would come, but honestly I really kind of never wanted to say yellow or red.

I mostly use the traffic light system for my safewords. It’s a very handy little system I find, although until last night I had yet to put it into practice.

The theory goes:

I have yet to reach red, but as I approached yellow last night and after I squeaked the word out of my desperate mouth, I felt what I think most of us feel, especially when we’re new, this feeling of failure.

Even as I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I was confronted with this feeling that I had let him down, I had let myself down, wise mind was telling me I was not a failure for speaking my truth and being honest. I know the only way for our relationship to thrive is for honesty and respect to be at the forefront. And that includes during a scene. I accept with a gleeful heart that I will submit for his pleasure to many things that may be more for his benefit than mine, but knowing my boundaries is incredibly important, and last night I had to face them square in the eye and speak up.

He was loving and kind and did absolutely everything to make me feel like it was ok that I had used a safeword, but admittedly it still feels like a bit of a blow. This is going to take some work to wrap my head around. But work I will, and today I have new found knowledge, from another experience, and I’m so grateful to have had it in his arms. I do know I’m safe with him. I know my limits and boundaries will be respected. I know he enjoys me for all of me, and I will continue to learn as I walk the path on my submissive’s journey.

I suppose I always hoped that the day would never come when I would need to safeword but obviously that was naive. That I made it this far is probably an accomplishment as I’ve had some amazing experiences, pushing past boundaries I thought I never could, and accomplishing things I never thought possible. I have been blessed with beautiful experiences because I have been able to place myself in safe hands, with wonderful people who can read my body so I do not have to safeword. I don’t anticipate I will do it again anytime soon. But I’m still grateful they are there and for the wonderful partner that comforted me last night following that scene. It was wonderful, and I so wish I had been able to keep going with the same enthusiasm, but last night, yellow had to be called. And I must just learn from the experience and carry on with a clear heart and mind knowing that I am still just as good of a sub today as I was yesterday.

So onto the next adventure, this kinky little princess’s fairytale never stops!

Kinky Blonde Girl

The Missing Pieces

It’s the little things really.

Last night I went to bed and an emptiness came over me. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t wearing my locks, my collar, there was no bondage to sleep in this night, or any night hereafter. My neck felt naked, so incredibly bare, and it was the first time in the past week that I had noticed that loss.

I was never formally collared, but from the moment his collar was placed around my neck and the words “You are mine” were whispered in my ear, I was his. I slept many a night locked in his collar and my restraints, they once gave me great comfort. And although last night was dreadful to endure, I hope that I will only need to feel that pain once, and it will be easier the next time I notice my naked neck.

Now my restraints are simply accompaniments to my collection of kink essentials. However, they are beautiful, and I will enjoy them always as I have had many a wonderful experience in them. They are a beautiful crimson red, my absolute favorite. I write this envisioning a day that I will find myself bound in them once again, under the control of a strong dominant man, submitting myself with all that I am, to experience that beautiful feeling of bondage again.

So funny how it’s the little things that get you. I had no expectation when I went to bed last night, or any other night for that matter, that I would be hit by that. Once again it was like a flood, overpowering me, the emptiness of it all. No collar around my neck, no restraints on my wrists and ankles, no chiming of the locks as I moved. This I will most certainly miss, along with the man I used to wear them for.

I’m still finding beauty all around me and I’m doing my best to appreciate all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. Somehow, I still have to feel this pain.

But….a new day has dawned, and I must carry on without. Today should be easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be easier than today.

Onto better days ahead. I declare today to be a good one!

Kinky Blonde Girl

To Beautiful Days

Today is a beautiful day!

I woke with anticipation for a day on a lovely quiet island away from the hustle and bustle and busyness of the city. Just what this princess needed to restore herself.

And off I went. On an early morning boat taking me into the arms of a man who has been standing by me, listening to me and being everything in the world I could possibly ask for. I know, what is wrong with me right? Well, he had a plan when I met him, and it’s a long distance plan. And what our future might be, well, it’s unknown.

But what a beautiful day I have had. It did start off a little rocky, as I need to learn how to walk the very large dog better (he won in a tug of war you might say). We did a little shopping and then off for a lovely breakfast at a quaint little cafe. Sitting in the sun, enjoying the morning and fantastic company, all I felt was joy.

Breakfast was followed up by an amazing two hour long massage, being treated like the kinky little princess that I am. Now I’ll fully admit, this was therapeutic, but it still felt absolutely fantastic and was the most amazing thing that could have happened to me today.

Then onto a leisurely drive across island to a beautiful park for an afternoon walk in the forest. Surrounded by the majesty of the lush green rainforest around me, I felt complete peace. For the first time in days, peace, harmony, contentment. I spotted a perfect little tree to climb up into and took a bunch of fun, silly, Snapchat filter pictures. Just having an enjoyable afternoon, breathing the fresh air, being free, noticing the little things and finally feeling like I might be coming out on the other side.

It’s a good feeling. A strong, clear headed, wise mind, focused, peaceful, restful, at ease kind of feeling. Like the planets are all finally coming into alignment. Maybe I’ve been waiting for this day longer than I even realized. For some reason today I feel an ease, like some weight has been lifted from me. Almost as if somehow everything is going to be a little bit easier from now on. I don’t know what it is, but I’ll take it.

To peace and tranquility….and the amazing man that illuminated my day.

Kinky Blonde Girl