Tag: C-PTSD

Overcoming

Published on by Kinky Blonde Girl2 Comments

Tonight was amazing.

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people that care so deeply for me and my well being.

Following my triggering episode with the chain last week a great friend offered to help me in overcoming that terror and taking ownership over the chain and making it mine again so that I could once again feel the excitement, thrill and pleasure that comes from the strength and intensity that is chain.

My healing journey began by him gently placing a short length of cold chain in my hands, and immediately I could feel the emotions beginning to well up inside of me. As he added more chain to my hands, reminding me I was in control, that I had all of the power, I repeated over and over again in my mind, “I am strong, I am resilient, I am submissive”. Reminding myself who I was, what I was, and that I had everything I needed to overcome this was exactly what I needed.

When those first lengths of chain were removed, a beautiful submissive friend wrapped her arms around me, and held me close, ensuring I knew I was safe.

Later I was laid on the ground, a nice soft and comfortable spot, and slowly heavy cold lengths of weighty chain were slowly draped across my nearly naked body. The intensity of the cold was stunning, but I kept repeating my mantra, over and over, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am strong enough to overcome almost anything. Fleeting thoughts of that man would run through my mind but my concentration was on the chain, I was going to own this chain, it would be mine, part of me, part of my being, and no one is ever going to take that away from me again.

After a great weight of chain had been laid upon me, I was covered in a warm blanket, being cold from the chain and from the emotional response related to it. I was surrounded by two good friends, asking how I was, and reminding me once again of my own power. It was so empowering to have those two friends on either side of the slash supporting me and pouring love and kindness into me to see a healing occur in me.

After a time the chain was removed and a few tears were shed, much shaking occurred and some quiet time wrapped in a warm blanket was on the agenda. But I felt the power, I felt the control, and I can say I even felt some pleasure from that mighty chain.

I’m so grateful for friends that care enough to want to help me through these challenges. I would not have known how to overcome this on my own, but my friend, he knew. And thank goodness for that. Another one for the history books.

I am strong

I am resilient

I am submissive

I have overcome

Kinky Blonde Girl

Triggers

Published on by Kinky Blonde Girl2 Comments

Sometimes you know what they are and sometimes you don’t.

I have a complex history. My mental health challenges not only include BPD but C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I was first diagnosed with PTSD at the age of 23 following a car accident where at the time I was undergoing therapy for a myriad of childhood traumas.

Following years of different therapies, I have a pretty good handle on most of my triggers and how to cope with them in the healthiest manner. But last night I faced a new foe.

I was at a local dungeon party playing with a good friend, and everything was going great during our scene until I felt chain. At first, it was a sensation and impact tool, and immediately it struck a nerve, jolting me into memories of scenes gone by with my former Dom. I thought to myself, ‘I can do this, I won’t let him control me anymore’. But quickly enough that chain was placed over my shoulders resting around my neck and I was instantly transported to a different place and a different time, and the tears poured out of me. Perfect timing for a check-in, as I had to ask to call the scene. I was trapped in a spiral of pain.

I couldn’t have negotiated that out of the scene, as I had no idea I would react that way to the chain. Unfortunately, now I know it has to be a hard limit, at least for some time. Still, so much healing to do.

It still shocks me, although I’m sure it shouldn’t, just how hard it has been to regain my strength and my footing after this relationship. Being only my second but certainly my most intense D/s relationship, I just wasn’t prepared for how hard this recovery was going to be. And to find myself in a puddle because of a length of chain, I’m almost speechless (however obviously not completely).

Thankfully my play partner was awesome and treated me so well and with great kindness and absolute compassion. And I was surrounded by friends which made the experience so much more endurable. Within a short time the tears stopped, the shaking stopped, and my mind was preoccupied with good conversation with friends. I can never say enough good about the people that surround me, I couldn’t possibly be more blessed in that regard.

So triggers, a person must be wary as you just don’t know what might get you when.

Kinky Blonde Girl