Tears…..

Last night I had an experience like none I had yet to experience. It was profound and I am still somewhat shaken by it.

My play partner and I were in a scene, doing needle play, which I am just coming to take an interest in. “Take a deep breath” and the needle went into my skin, a brief piercing pain shot through me and all of a sudden I was flooded by tears.

These were no regular “I got poked by a needle” tears. Something was happening inside of me, the tears came and failed to cease. I sobbed and sobbed and at first, a part of me felt like I needed to stop the tears, stop the crying, compose myself, and then I realized that there must be a reason for it and I allowed myself to sink into those feelings, that emotional response and it was incredibly intense. There was a reason for those tears, only my subconscious knows what it is.

We continued to play for some time but eventually, I had to call the scene. I was so overwhelmed by all of those emotions that had been pouring out of me, I just couldn’t keep going at a certain point. Another first. But I stood in my truth again and it was easier this time than the last.

I’m gaining confidence. This summer has been hard on the confidence, but it’s coming back. I’m getting back to where I was. The slow process continues and I imagine this was just one more step in the right direction. A huge emotional release.

Here’s hoping my next experience is a little bit lighter.

Onto the next adventure.

Kinky Blonde Girl

I used a safeword…oh my

Well, I suppose I knew the day would come, but honestly I really kind of never wanted to say yellow or red.

I mostly use the traffic light system for my safewords. It’s a very handy little system I find, although until last night I had yet to put it into practice.

The theory goes:

I have yet to reach red, but as I approached yellow last night and after I squeaked the word out of my desperate mouth, I felt what I think most of us feel, especially when we’re new, this feeling of failure.

Even as I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I was confronted with this feeling that I had let him down, I had let myself down, wise mind was telling me I was not a failure for speaking my truth and being honest. I know the only way for our relationship to thrive is for honesty and respect to be at the forefront. And that includes during a scene. I accept with a gleeful heart that I will submit for his pleasure to many things that may be more for his benefit than mine, but knowing my boundaries is incredibly important, and last night I had to face them square in the eye and speak up.

He was loving and kind and did absolutely everything to make me feel like it was ok that I had used a safeword, but admittedly it still feels like a bit of a blow. This is going to take some work to wrap my head around. But work I will, and today I have new found knowledge, from another experience, and I’m so grateful to have had it in his arms. I do know I’m safe with him. I know my limits and boundaries will be respected. I know he enjoys me for all of me, and I will continue to learn as I walk the path on my submissive’s journey.

I suppose I always hoped that the day would never come when I would need to safeword but obviously that was naive. That I made it this far is probably an accomplishment as I’ve had some amazing experiences, pushing past boundaries I thought I never could, and accomplishing things I never thought possible. I have been blessed with beautiful experiences because I have been able to place myself in safe hands, with wonderful people who can read my body so I do not have to safeword. I don’t anticipate I will do it again anytime soon. But I’m still grateful they are there and for the wonderful partner that comforted me last night following that scene. It was wonderful, and I so wish I had been able to keep going with the same enthusiasm, but last night, yellow had to be called. And I must just learn from the experience and carry on with a clear heart and mind knowing that I am still just as good of a sub today as I was yesterday.

So onto the next adventure, this kinky little princess’s fairytale never stops!

Kinky Blonde Girl