Tag: Self-confidence

Challenges

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Friday night I faced my enemy.

The beautiful relationship that came to a crashing halt because of a Mistress that had to interfere with my happiness.

It was the first time I came face to face with the woman that rocked my fairytale. I spent a great deal of time the night before reconsidering whether I should even attend the event out of an honest concern whether I could bear to be in the same room as her.

When the time came, I put my best face forward, wore a gorgeous cobalt blue summer dress, and felt fantastic. I did take every preventative measure possible to ensure I walked into that event as calm as possible, and I am so happy to say I maintained.

I couldn’t have been much more fortunate than to sit across and one seat away from this person for the entirety of the evening. It was a great test. I had to work to be polite, I’ll be honest. It was such a challenge to listen to her talk. I made every effort to maintain my conversation towards the other end of the table so as to avoid contact as much as possible. However that turned fruitful, I had great conversation, laughed and met new people. A night I was dreading turned out to be fun.

I don’t know if anyone will agree with how I behaved but I am proud of myself for keeping my Borderline self together. Seven hours before I really wasn’t very confident I was going to make it through the night without saying something mean to her. Not because I wanted to, but because I’m just still so hurt.

I’ve been told she meant no harm, but I was the one the words were spoken to and I will always know the look in her eyes when she spewed them at me. If there is one thing a woman knows, it’s when another woman is trying to hurt her.

At the end of the day, I kept my Borderline self together. I maintained wise mind, and was able to walk away with a reasonably enjoyable experience. I’m going to work on forgiving her so I don’t feel so much anxiety when these situations arise, but I know it’s going to be a challenge.

Wish me luck 🍀

Kinky Blonde Girl

Finding my way

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It’s a slow process, recovery.

Loss, in any form, takes time to adjust to the change. This has been one of the biggest changes that I can think of that I have had in my life to make mentally and emotionally.

Break ups are always a challenge, but I was in no way prepared for the emptiness I would feel by the loss of my dominant. To lose that structure in my life, the rules, rituals and protocols that went with that relationship were so ingrained into my life that losing them all along with the person I was in relationship with has been devastating.

But I think I’m starting to see the light, starting to find my way. I can’t replicate exactly what I had, but I’m slowly finding ways to feed my submissive nature without having that personal dominant relationship to guide me at this time. I’ve learned I cannot and do not want to live my life without those elements of D/s in my life anymore. I’m utterly lost without being able to kneel. I’m lost without being able to serve. I’m lost without seeing pride and pleasure in my dominant’s eyes.

In saying all of this, although I need these things in order to find complete joy and peace, I do not accept being a doormat to anyone. I refuse to become a doormat submissive to any dominant, so buyer beware. I may wish with all that I am to serve, but I will not give my submission to an unworthy recipient. The man that seeks my submission must be honest, forthright, respectful, and of the highest integrity. He will be served loyally and obediently when I feel that power and control that comes from a pure dominant heart with good intentions.

For now I will continue my research and work on myself and seek to fulfill my submissive needs on my own until such time as I find myself in the position again where I can gleefully kneel and serve.

Today I feel content in myself. I will do whatever I need to.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Deceit, a dangerous game

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It’s been an interesting year.

I have come to learn a great deal.

I have met some incredibly interesting people.

I have been lied to continuously by dominants for the most ridiculous and selfish of reasons.

I am at a loss for all the lies that I have encountered.

I do not understand why a dominant must maintain that he is monogamous if he is not. Why must a double standard exist for a man to date multiple women but not for those women to date multiple men. Or at least have the right to the up front knowledge of the other women he is dating. Why lie?

I do not understand why a dominant would enter into relationship with a submissive without explaining first his intentions as for other relationships. This is critical information. If the submissive is expected to play a role and fulfill a need for him related to his other relationships, she must be made aware at the outset of the relationship. This is a lie of omission and an incredibly grievous offense.

I do not understand why a dominant chooses lies and deceit, in the end it is all simply a loss.

It is so foolish for anyone to think that this type of behavior is sustainable. It never is and at some point the truth always comes out and it’s never usually pretty.

I’m watching one such scenario unfold at present. This person was once very important to me, yielding great power in my life. But their lies and deceit have led them to the periphery of my world now. I believe I am watching the slow destruction of a beautiful life, and I think everything just may come crashing down for this person.

It’s terribly tragic that people think they can behave in such a manner that they ultimately treat others with such disrespect that their selfishness wounds all.

And really isn’t that the simple thing it all comes down to at the core, selfishness. If they weren’t so selfish, and could possibly consider another human being for a millisecond then we wouldn’t end up with so many people hurt and broken relationships with heartbroken souls trying to find peace from the destruction left in the wake of the monster that is deceit.

I stand tall, and strong, and confident, and on the winning side today.

But too much deceit has crossed my path in my days and it’s time for it to come to a stop. The liars need to be called out for what they are.

This kinky little princess is putting her perfectly heeled foot down. No more.

I absolutely refuse to listen to any more lies, I refuse to allow myself to be manipulated by deceit. I am a strong woman, a smart woman, a beautiful, sexy, talented, passionate, encapsulating woman. I deserve so much better than any man who will play petty little games such as these.

But beware, the most charming, most handsome, most successful, most affluent, they are the most likely to deceive because they have the most to lose. Let’s never forget that. Remember, always be mindful! Know your opponent! And yes, love is war!

Never allow yourself to be deceived.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Contemplating my role…

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As I sit and contemplate the last several months so many different things come to my mind about my role as a submissive. So much has been learned from my relationships, most especially I find from that extraordinary connection found between Dominant and submissive. I am recalling my days as my former Sir’s submissive with great affection and gratitude for all I take from that incredibly intense and beautiful relationship.

Below you will find excerpts of a “submissive love letter” to my former Sir. I am so thankful I can look upon these words with a heart full of appreciation for all of the amazing experiences and growth I received in my time as His. I will be forever grateful for what I have learned, particularly about myself.

my mind wanders back to when everything changed, and the beginning of a wonderful mystery was upon us Master. within days our first meeting occurred and i was quickly drawn into Your kink, with Your kindness, strength, and dominance all giving me courage and helping me to trust You in the things to come Master. i immediately felt safe with You and as You remind me over and over again that i am safe in Your hands, that feeling continues until today Master.

in the beginning when You provided me with Your initial list of expectations, You became my Sir, and my submissive spirit began to grow for You Master. it was so easy to fall quickly for You, as the time we spent chatting beforehand had allowed me the opportunity to learn some about You and i always found You kind and respectful in every way Master.

from Our first encounter i was filled with such trust for You, from the first moments You walked in the door, and You have always ensured i felt safe in Your hands Master. i am always reminded that i am Yours, and that You have me, and those actions have allowed me to trust in You when i didn’t trust in myself, to believe in Your faith in my abilities and to take amazing risks that have reaped spectacular rewards Master.

Our play has been breathtaking, every experience something new, exciting and i always seem to learn something about myself Master. You challenge me and make my body do things i never in my dreams imagined and although sometimes i feel pressed to my limits, i am always bestowed with great pleasure time after time Master. You make me feel vulnerable but i always know that i am in an artists hands and know You will never purposefully hurt me Master. there is a closeness between us, and i honestly believe that because of this play, because of the trust that is gained each time We have the opportunity to be together and You are able to take me to those places only You control, i find myself completely enthralled by you Master. it’s as if You find more of me every time We are together and that just makes me shine when i think of You Master.

i am grateful for the new things that You have given me to do, as i find myself wanting to be of better service to You Master. Your care for me is always noted and appreciated more than You could ever know Master.

i have learned a great deal about myself Master. You are teaching me more than i think You will ever realize Master. it really is a pleasure to wake up to a message from You every day, i look forward to it more than You will ever know Master. i am blessed to be called Your submissive and find myself honoured every time i wear Your collar, regardless of official meaning or not Master. it has immense meaning for me, and i always feel close to You when i am locked up tight in my restraints and collar Master. if i must be at a distance from You, they provide an opportunity to have a little bit of You close to me Master. i hope to be a good submissive to You, and i will always work to be a submissive You can be proud to call Yours Master. Thank You for believing in me when i don’t believe in myself, You have no idea what this means Master.

This is part of my history now, part of who I am, who I will become. This experience has been so profound I cannot think of another in my life to equal it. I wait anxiously for the day that I may kneel again, and to see that same pride in the eyes of another Dominant.

To the beautiful future that awaits me.

Kinky Blonde Girl

I used a safeword…oh my

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Well, I suppose I knew the day would come, but honestly I really kind of never wanted to say yellow or red.

I mostly use the traffic light system for my safewords. It’s a very handy little system I find, although until last night I had yet to put it into practice.

The theory goes:

I have yet to reach red, but as I approached yellow last night and after I squeaked the word out of my desperate mouth, I felt what I think most of us feel, especially when we’re new, this feeling of failure.

Even as I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I was confronted with this feeling that I had let him down, I had let myself down, wise mind was telling me I was not a failure for speaking my truth and being honest. I know the only way for our relationship to thrive is for honesty and respect to be at the forefront. And that includes during a scene. I accept with a gleeful heart that I will submit for his pleasure to many things that may be more for his benefit than mine, but knowing my boundaries is incredibly important, and last night I had to face them square in the eye and speak up.

He was loving and kind and did absolutely everything to make me feel like it was ok that I had used a safeword, but admittedly it still feels like a bit of a blow. This is going to take some work to wrap my head around. But work I will, and today I have new found knowledge, from another experience, and I’m so grateful to have had it in his arms. I do know I’m safe with him. I know my limits and boundaries will be respected. I know he enjoys me for all of me, and I will continue to learn as I walk the path on my submissive’s journey.

I suppose I always hoped that the day would never come when I would need to safeword but obviously that was naive. That I made it this far is probably an accomplishment as I’ve had some amazing experiences, pushing past boundaries I thought I never could, and accomplishing things I never thought possible. I have been blessed with beautiful experiences because I have been able to place myself in safe hands, with wonderful people who can read my body so I do not have to safeword. I don’t anticipate I will do it again anytime soon. But I’m still grateful they are there and for the wonderful partner that comforted me last night following that scene. It was wonderful, and I so wish I had been able to keep going with the same enthusiasm, but last night, yellow had to be called. And I must just learn from the experience and carry on with a clear heart and mind knowing that I am still just as good of a sub today as I was yesterday.

So onto the next adventure, this kinky little princess’s fairytale never stops!

Kinky Blonde Girl

The Missing Pieces

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It’s the little things really.

Last night I went to bed and an emptiness came over me. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t wearing my locks, my collar, there was no bondage to sleep in this night, or any night hereafter. My neck felt naked, so incredibly bare, and it was the first time in the past week that I had noticed that loss.

I was never formally collared, but from the moment his collar was placed around my neck and the words “You are mine” were whispered in my ear, I was his. I slept many a night locked in his collar and my restraints, they once gave me great comfort. And although last night was dreadful to endure, I hope that I will only need to feel that pain once, and it will be easier the next time I notice my naked neck.

Now my restraints are simply accompaniments to my collection of kink essentials. However, they are beautiful, and I will enjoy them always as I have had many a wonderful experience in them. They are a beautiful crimson red, my absolute favorite. I write this envisioning a day that I will find myself bound in them once again, under the control of a strong dominant man, submitting myself with all that I am, to experience that beautiful feeling of bondage again.

So funny how it’s the little things that get you. I had no expectation when I went to bed last night, or any other night for that matter, that I would be hit by that. Once again it was like a flood, overpowering me, the emptiness of it all. No collar around my neck, no restraints on my wrists and ankles, no chiming of the locks as I moved. This I will most certainly miss, along with the man I used to wear them for.

I’m still finding beauty all around me and I’m doing my best to appreciate all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. Somehow, I still have to feel this pain.

But….a new day has dawned, and I must carry on without. Today should be easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be easier than today.

Onto better days ahead. I declare today to be a good one!

Kinky Blonde Girl

To Beautiful Days

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Today is a beautiful day!

I woke with anticipation for a day on a lovely quiet island away from the hustle and bustle and busyness of the city. Just what this princess needed to restore herself.

And off I went. On an early morning boat taking me into the arms of a man who has been standing by me, listening to me and being everything in the world I could possibly ask for. I know, what is wrong with me right? Well, he had a plan when I met him, and it’s a long distance plan. And what our future might be, well, it’s unknown.

But what a beautiful day I have had. It did start off a little rocky, as I need to learn how to walk the very large dog better (he won in a tug of war you might say). We did a little shopping and then off for a lovely breakfast at a quaint little cafe. Sitting in the sun, enjoying the morning and fantastic company, all I felt was joy.

Breakfast was followed up by an amazing two hour long massage, being treated like the kinky little princess that I am. Now I’ll fully admit, this was therapeutic, but it still felt absolutely fantastic and was the most amazing thing that could have happened to me today.

Then onto a leisurely drive across island to a beautiful park for an afternoon walk in the forest. Surrounded by the majesty of the lush green rainforest around me, I felt complete peace. For the first time in days, peace, harmony, contentment. I spotted a perfect little tree to climb up into and took a bunch of fun, silly, Snapchat filter pictures. Just having an enjoyable afternoon, breathing the fresh air, being free, noticing the little things and finally feeling like I might be coming out on the other side.

It’s a good feeling. A strong, clear headed, wise mind, focused, peaceful, restful, at ease kind of feeling. Like the planets are all finally coming into alignment. Maybe I’ve been waiting for this day longer than I even realized. For some reason today I feel an ease, like some weight has been lifted from me. Almost as if somehow everything is going to be a little bit easier from now on. I don’t know what it is, but I’ll take it.

To peace and tranquility….and the amazing man that illuminated my day.

Kinky Blonde Girl