Tag: Self-confidence

Overcoming

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Tonight was amazing.

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people that care so deeply for me and my well being.

Following my triggering episode with the chain last week a great friend offered to help me in overcoming that terror and taking ownership over the chain and making it mine again so that I could once again feel the excitement, thrill and pleasure that comes from the strength and intensity that is chain.

My healing journey began by him gently placing a short length of cold chain in my hands, and immediately I could feel the emotions beginning to well up inside of me. As he added more chain to my hands, reminding me I was in control, that I had all of the power, I repeated over and over again in my mind, “I am strong, I am resilient, I am submissive”. Reminding myself who I was, what I was, and that I had everything I needed to overcome this was exactly what I needed.

When those first lengths of chain were removed, a beautiful submissive friend wrapped her arms around me, and held me close, ensuring I knew I was safe.

Later I was laid on the ground, a nice soft and comfortable spot, and slowly heavy cold lengths of weighty chain were slowly draped across my nearly naked body. The intensity of the cold was stunning, but I kept repeating my mantra, over and over, because I know in my heart of hearts that I am strong enough to overcome almost anything. Fleeting thoughts of that man would run through my mind but my concentration was on the chain, I was going to own this chain, it would be mine, part of me, part of my being, and no one is ever going to take that away from me again.

After a great weight of chain had been laid upon me, I was covered in a warm blanket, being cold from the chain and from the emotional response related to it. I was surrounded by two good friends, asking how I was, and reminding me once again of my own power. It was so empowering to have those two friends on either side of the slash supporting me and pouring love and kindness into me to see a healing occur in me.

After a time the chain was removed and a few tears were shed, much shaking occurred and some quiet time wrapped in a warm blanket was on the agenda. But I felt the power, I felt the control, and I can say I even felt some pleasure from that mighty chain.

I’m so grateful for friends that care enough to want to help me through these challenges. I would not have known how to overcome this on my own, but my friend, he knew. And thank goodness for that. Another one for the history books.

I am strong

I am resilient

I am submissive

I have overcome

Kinky Blonde Girl

An Adjustment to the Tiara Required

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Time to dust off my tiara, carefully place it back on my pretty little head and get back to the business at hand. I have a beautiful life in front of me, and it just took a little reminder from a good friend that all is not lost.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the emotional chaos that my life has been filled with over the last few months that I forget that I have people all around me that I can lean on and will lift me up. I get lost in my head and in all the many many thoughts that continuously run through my mind all day every day. One of the challenges of having Borderline Personality Disorder, my mind is always racing.

I’ve been reminded that I am strong, that I have a lot going for me and bright things are on the horizon. And even if I’m not where I want to be today, the future is golden and full of amazing prospects.

A woman I greatly admire and respect recently told me she was very proud of me and the decisions I was making. That meant a lot, most especially because of who it was coming from. If I can impress this person, I’m doing something right. I must keep my head held high, tiara straight, and look with hopeful anticipation towards the future.

I know I will find my way back to the place of D/s bliss I was in when I started this blog. I must be patient, keep a positive attitude and walk with integrity. If I can do that I know the universe will work everything out according to plan.

Truly I do still believe in fairytales. I just got a little lost for a time. My dreams will come true, I just must be patient in the interim and take the most from the lessons being taught along the way.

To fairytales, may they always be beautiful!

Kinky Blonde Girl

Tears…..

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Last night I had an experience like none I had yet to experience. It was profound and I am still somewhat shaken by it.

My play partner and I were in a scene, doing needle play, which I am just coming to take an interest in. “Take a deep breath” and the needle went into my skin, a brief piercing pain shot through me and all of a sudden I was flooded by tears.

These were no regular “I got poked by a needle” tears. Something was happening inside of me, the tears came and failed to cease. I sobbed and sobbed and at first, a part of me felt like I needed to stop the tears, stop the crying, compose myself, and then I realized that there must be a reason for it and I allowed myself to sink into those feelings, that emotional response and it was incredibly intense. There was a reason for those tears, only my subconscious knows what it is.

We continued to play for some time but eventually, I had to call the scene. I was so overwhelmed by all of those emotions that had been pouring out of me, I just couldn’t keep going at a certain point. Another first. But I stood in my truth again and it was easier this time than the last.

I’m gaining confidence. This summer has been hard on the confidence, but it’s coming back. I’m getting back to where I was. The slow process continues and I imagine this was just one more step in the right direction. A huge emotional release.

Here’s hoping my next experience is a little bit lighter.

Onto the next adventure.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Challenges

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Friday night I faced my enemy.

The beautiful relationship that came to a crashing halt because of a Mistress that had to interfere with my happiness.

It was the first time I came face to face with the woman that rocked my fairytale. I spent a great deal of time the night before reconsidering whether I should even attend the event out of an honest concern whether I could bear to be in the same room as her.

When the time came, I put my best face forward, wore a gorgeous cobalt blue summer dress, and felt fantastic. I did take every preventative measure possible to ensure I walked into that event as calm as possible, and I am so happy to say I maintained.

I couldn’t have been much more fortunate than to sit across and one seat away from this person for the entirety of the evening. It was a great test. I had to work to be polite, I’ll be honest. It was such a challenge to listen to her talk. I made every effort to maintain my conversation towards the other end of the table so as to avoid contact as much as possible. However that turned fruitful, I had great conversation, laughed and met new people. A night I was dreading turned out to be fun.

I don’t know if anyone will agree with how I behaved but I am proud of myself for keeping my Borderline self together. Seven hours before I really wasn’t very confident I was going to make it through the night without saying something mean to her. Not because I wanted to, but because I’m just still so hurt.

I’ve been told she meant no harm, but I was the one the words were spoken to and I will always know the look in her eyes when she spewed them at me. If there is one thing a woman knows, it’s when another woman is trying to hurt her.

At the end of the day, I kept my Borderline self together. I maintained wise mind and was able to walk away with a reasonably enjoyable experience. I’m going to work on forgiving her so I don’t feel so much anxiety when these situations arise, but I know it’s going to be a challenge.

Wish me luck 🍀

Kinky Blonde Girl

Finding my way

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It’s a slow process, recovery.

Loss, in any form, takes time to adjust to the change. This has been one of the biggest changes that I can think of that I have had in my life to make mentally and emotionally.

Break ups are always a challenge, but I was in no way prepared for the emptiness I would feel by the loss of my dominant. To lose that structure in my life, the rules, rituals and protocols that went with that relationship were so ingrained into my life that losing them all along with the person I was in relationship with has been devastating.

But I think I’m starting to see the light, starting to find my way. I can’t replicate exactly what I had, but I’m slowly finding ways to feed my submissive nature without having that personal dominant relationship to guide me at this time. I’ve learned I cannot and do not want to live my life without those elements of D/s in my life anymore. I’m utterly lost without being able to kneel. I’m lost without being able to serve. I’m lost without seeing pride and pleasure in my dominant’s eyes.

In saying all of this, although I need these things in order to find complete joy and peace, I do not accept being a doormat to anyone. I refuse to become a doormat submissive to any dominant, so buyer beware. I may wish with all that I am to serve, but I will not give my submission to an unworthy recipient. The man that seeks my submission must be honest, forthright, respectful, and of the highest integrity. He will be served loyally and obediently when I feel that power and control that comes from a pure dominant heart with good intentions.

For now I will continue my research and work on myself and seek to fulfill my submissive needs on my own until such time as I find myself in the position again where I can gleefully kneel and serve.

Today I feel content in myself. I will do whatever I need to.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Deceit, a dangerous game

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It’s been an interesting year.

I have come to learn a great deal.

I have met some incredibly interesting people.

I have been lied to continuously by dominants for the most ridiculous and selfish of reasons.

I am at a loss for all the lies that I have encountered.

I do not understand why a dominant must maintain that he is monogamous if he is not. Why must a double standard exist for a man to date multiple women but not for those women to date multiple men. Or at least have the right to the up front knowledge of the other women he is dating. Why lie?

I do not understand why a dominant would enter into relationship with a submissive without explaining first his intentions as for other relationships. This is critical information. If the submissive is expected to play a role and fulfill a need for him related to his other relationships, she must be made aware at the outset of the relationship. This is a lie of omission and an incredibly grievous offense.

I do not understand why a dominant chooses lies and deceit, in the end it is all simply a loss.

It is so foolish for anyone to think that this type of behavior is sustainable. It never is and at some point the truth always comes out and it’s never usually pretty.

I’m watching one such scenario unfold at present. This person was once very important to me, yielding great power in my life. But their lies and deceit have led them to the periphery of my world now. I believe I am watching the slow destruction of a beautiful life, and I think everything just may come crashing down for this person.

It’s terribly tragic that people think they can behave in such a manner that they ultimately treat others with such disrespect that their selfishness wounds all.

And really isn’t that the simple thing it all comes down to at the core, selfishness. If they weren’t so selfish, and could possibly consider another human being for a millisecond then we wouldn’t end up with so many people hurt and broken relationships with heartbroken souls trying to find peace from the destruction left in the wake of the monster that is deceit.

I stand tall, and strong, and confident, and on the winning side today.

But too much deceit has crossed my path in my days and it’s time for it to come to a stop. The liars need to be called out for what they are.

This kinky little princess is putting her perfectly heeled foot down. No more.

I absolutely refuse to listen to any more lies, I refuse to allow myself to be manipulated by deceit. I am a strong woman, a smart woman, a beautiful, sexy, talented, passionate, encapsulating woman. I deserve so much better than any man who will play petty little games such as these.

But beware, the most charming, most handsome, most successful, most affluent, they are the most likely to deceive because they have the most to lose. Let’s never forget that. Remember, always be mindful! Know your opponent! And yes, love is war!

Never allow yourself to be deceived.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Contemplating my role…

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As I sit and contemplate the last several months so many different things come to my mind about my role as a submissive. So much has been learned from my relationships, most especially I find from that extraordinary connection found between Dominant and submissive. I am recalling my days as my former Sir’s submissive with great affection and gratitude for all I take from that incredibly intense and beautiful relationship.

Below you will find excerpts of a “submissive love letter” to my former Sir. I am so thankful I can look upon these words with a heart full of appreciation for all of the amazing experiences and growth I received in my time as His. I will be forever grateful for what I have learned, particularly about myself.

my mind wanders back to when everything changed, and the beginning of a wonderful mystery was upon us Master. within days our first meeting occurred and i was quickly drawn into Your kink, with Your kindness, strength, and dominance all giving me courage and helping me to trust You in the things to come Master. i immediately felt safe with You and as You remind me over and over again that i am safe in Your hands, that feeling continues until today Master.

in the beginning when You provided me with Your initial list of expectations, You became my Sir, and my submissive spirit began to grow for You Master. it was so easy to fall quickly for You, as the time we spent chatting beforehand had allowed me the opportunity to learn some about You and i always found You kind and respectful in every way Master.

from Our first encounter i was filled with such trust for You, from the first moments You walked in the door, and You have always ensured i felt safe in Your hands Master. i am always reminded that i am Yours, and that You have me, and those actions have allowed me to trust in You when i didn’t trust in myself, to believe in Your faith in my abilities and to take amazing risks that have reaped spectacular rewards Master.

Our play has been breathtaking, every experience something new, exciting and i always seem to learn something about myself Master. You challenge me and make my body do things i never in my dreams imagined and although sometimes i feel pressed to my limits, i am always bestowed with great pleasure time after time Master. You make me feel vulnerable but i always know that i am in an artists hands and know You will never purposefully hurt me Master. there is a closeness between us, and i honestly believe that because of this play, because of the trust that is gained each time We have the opportunity to be together and You are able to take me to those places only You control, i find myself completely enthralled by you Master. it’s as if You find more of me every time We are together and that just makes me shine when i think of You Master.

i am grateful for the new things that You have given me to do, as i find myself wanting to be of better service to You Master. Your care for me is always noted and appreciated more than You could ever know Master.

i have learned a great deal about myself Master. You are teaching me more than i think You will ever realize Master. it really is a pleasure to wake up to a message from You every day, i look forward to it more than You will ever know Master. i am blessed to be called Your submissive and find myself honoured every time i wear Your collar, regardless of official meaning or not Master. it has immense meaning for me, and i always feel close to You when i am locked up tight in my restraints and collar Master. if i must be at a distance from You, they provide an opportunity to have a little bit of You close to me Master. i hope to be a good submissive to You, and i will always work to be a submissive You can be proud to call Yours Master. Thank You for believing in me when i don’t believe in myself, You have no idea what this means Master.

This is part of my history now, part of who I am, who I will become. This experience has been so profound I cannot think of another in my life to equal it. I wait anxiously for the day that I may kneel again, and to see that same pride in the eyes of another Dominant.

To the beautiful future that awaits me.

Kinky Blonde Girl