Contemplating my role…

As I sit and contemplate the last several months so many different things come to my mind about my role as a submissive. So much has been learned from my relationships, most especially I find from that extraordinary connection found between Dominant and submissive. I am recalling my days as my former Sir’s submissive with great affection and gratitude for all I take from that incredibly intense and beautiful relationship.

Below you will find excerpts of a “submissive love letter” to my former Sir. I am so thankful I can look upon these words with a heart full of appreciation for all of the amazing experiences and growth I received in my time as His. I will be forever grateful for what I have learned, particularly about myself.

my mind wanders back to when everything changed, and the beginning of a wonderful mystery was upon us Master. within days our first meeting occurred and i was quickly drawn into Your kink, with Your kindness, strength, and dominance all giving me courage and helping me to trust You in the things to come Master. i immediately felt safe with You and as You remind me over and over again that i am safe in Your hands, that feeling continues until today Master.

in the beginning when You provided me with Your initial list of expectations, You became my Sir, and my submissive spirit began to grow for You Master. it was so easy to fall quickly for You, as the time we spent chatting beforehand had allowed me the opportunity to learn some about You and i always found You kind and respectful in every way Master.

from Our first encounter i was filled with such trust for You, from the first moments You walked in the door, and You have always ensured i felt safe in Your hands Master. i am always reminded that i am Yours, and that You have me, and those actions have allowed me to trust in You when i didn’t trust in myself, to believe in Your faith in my abilities and to take amazing risks that have reaped spectacular rewards Master.

Our play has been breathtaking, every experience something new, exciting and i always seem to learn something about myself Master. You challenge me and make my body do things i never in my dreams imagined and although sometimes i feel pressed to my limits, i am always bestowed with great pleasure time after time Master. You make me feel vulnerable but i always know that i am in an artists hands and know You will never purposefully hurt me Master. there is a closeness between us, and i honestly believe that because of this play, because of the trust that is gained each time We have the opportunity to be together and You are able to take me to those places only You control, i find myself completely enthralled by you Master. it’s as if You find more of me every time We are together and that just makes me shine when i think of You Master.

i am grateful for the new things that You have given me to do, as i find myself wanting to be of better service to You Master. Your care for me is always noted and appreciated more than You could ever know Master.

i have learned a great deal about myself Master. You are teaching me more than i think You will ever realize Master. it really is a pleasure to wake up to a message from You every day, i look forward to it more than You will ever know Master. i am blessed to be called Your submissive and find myself honoured every time i wear Your collar, regardless of official meaning or not Master. it has immense meaning for me, and i always feel close to You when i am locked up tight in my restraints and collar Master. if i must be at a distance from You, they provide an opportunity to have a little bit of You close to me Master. i hope to be a good submissive to You, and i will always work to be a submissive You can be proud to call Yours Master. Thank You for believing in me when i don’t believe in myself, You have no idea what this means Master.

This is part of my history now, part of who I am, who I will become. This experience has been so profound I cannot think of another in my life to equal it. I wait anxiously for the day that I may kneel again, and to see that same pride in the eyes of another Dominant.

To the beautiful future that awaits me.

Kinky Blonde Girl

I used a safeword…oh my

Well, I suppose I knew the day would come, but honestly I really kind of never wanted to say yellow or red.

I mostly use the traffic light system for my safewords. It’s a very handy little system I find, although until last night I had yet to put it into practice.

The theory goes:

I have yet to reach red, but as I approached yellow last night and after I squeaked the word out of my desperate mouth, I felt what I think most of us feel, especially when we’re new, this feeling of failure.

Even as I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I was confronted with this feeling that I had let him down, I had let myself down, wise mind was telling me I was not a failure for speaking my truth and being honest. I know the only way for our relationship to thrive is for honesty and respect to be at the forefront. And that includes during a scene. I accept with a gleeful heart that I will submit for his pleasure to many things that may be more for his benefit than mine, but knowing my boundaries is incredibly important, and last night I had to face them square in the eye and speak up.

He was loving and kind and did absolutely everything to make me feel like it was ok that I had used a safeword, but admittedly it still feels like a bit of a blow. This is going to take some work to wrap my head around. But work I will, and today I have new found knowledge, from another experience, and I’m so grateful to have had it in his arms. I do know I’m safe with him. I know my limits and boundaries will be respected. I know he enjoys me for all of me, and I will continue to learn as I walk the path on my submissive’s journey.

I suppose I always hoped that the day would never come when I would need to safeword but obviously that was naive. That I made it this far is probably an accomplishment as I’ve had some amazing experiences, pushing past boundaries I thought I never could, and accomplishing things I never thought possible. I have been blessed with beautiful experiences because I have been able to place myself in safe hands, with wonderful people who can read my body so I do not have to safeword. I don’t anticipate I will do it again anytime soon. But I’m still grateful they are there and for the wonderful partner that comforted me last night following that scene. It was wonderful, and I so wish I had been able to keep going with the same enthusiasm, but last night, yellow had to be called. And I must just learn from the experience and carry on with a clear heart and mind knowing that I am still just as good of a sub today as I was yesterday.

So onto the next adventure, this kinky little princess’s fairytale never stops!

Kinky Blonde Girl

The Missing Pieces

It’s the little things really.

Last night I went to bed and an emptiness came over me. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t wearing my locks, my collar, there was no bondage to sleep in this night, or any night hereafter. My neck felt naked, so incredibly bare, and it was the first time in the past week that I had noticed that loss.

I was never formally collared, but from the moment his collar was placed around my neck and the words “You are mine” were whispered in my ear, I was his. I slept many a night locked in his collar and my restraints, they once gave me great comfort. And although last night was dreadful to endure, I hope that I will only need to feel that pain once, and it will be easier the next time I notice my naked neck.

Now my restraints are simply accompaniments to my collection of kink essentials. However, they are beautiful, and I will enjoy them always as I have had many a wonderful experience in them. They are a beautiful crimson red, my absolute favorite. I write this envisioning a day that I will find myself bound in them once again, under the control of a strong dominant man, submitting myself with all that I am, to experience that beautiful feeling of bondage again.

So funny how it’s the little things that get you. I had no expectation when I went to bed last night, or any other night for that matter, that I would be hit by that. Once again it was like a flood, overpowering me, the emptiness of it all. No collar around my neck, no restraints on my wrists and ankles, no chiming of the locks as I moved. This I will most certainly miss, along with the man I used to wear them for.

I’m still finding beauty all around me and I’m doing my best to appreciate all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. Somehow, I still have to feel this pain.

But….a new day has dawned, and I must carry on without. Today should be easier than yesterday, and tomorrow will be easier than today.

Onto better days ahead. I declare today to be a good one!

Kinky Blonde Girl

To Beautiful Days

Today is a beautiful day!

I woke with anticipation for a day on a lovely quiet island away from the hustle and bustle and busyness of the city. Just what this princess needed to restore herself.

And off I went. On an early morning boat taking me into the arms of a man who has been standing by me, listening to me and being everything in the world I could possibly ask for. I know, what is wrong with me right? Well, he had a plan when I met him, and it’s a long distance plan. And what our future might be, well, it’s unknown.

But what a beautiful day I have had. It did start off a little rocky, as I need to learn how to walk the very large dog better (he won in a tug of war you might say). We did a little shopping and then off for a lovely breakfast at a quaint little cafe. Sitting in the sun, enjoying the morning and fantastic company, all I felt was joy.

Breakfast was followed up by an amazing two hour long massage, being treated like the kinky little princess that I am. Now I’ll fully admit, this was therapeutic, but it still felt absolutely fantastic and was the most amazing thing that could have happened to me today.

Then onto a leisurely drive across island to a beautiful park for an afternoon walk in the forest. Surrounded by the majesty of the lush green rainforest around me, I felt complete peace. For the first time in days, peace, harmony, contentment. I spotted a perfect little tree to climb up into and took a bunch of fun, silly, Snapchat filter pictures. Just having an enjoyable afternoon, breathing the fresh air, being free, noticing the little things and finally feeling like I might be coming out on the other side.

It’s a good feeling. A strong, clear headed, wise mind, focused, peaceful, restful, at ease kind of feeling. Like the planets are all finally coming into alignment. Maybe I’ve been waiting for this day longer than I even realized. For some reason today I feel an ease, like some weight has been lifted from me. Almost as if somehow everything is going to be a little bit easier from now on. I don’t know what it is, but I’ll take it.

To peace and tranquility….and the amazing man that illuminated my day.

Kinky Blonde Girl

The end is just a new beginning

The hour rang. The bell tolled. The conversation started with the simple words “I’m not feeling good” and it was the beginning of the end.

Within a few short lines of text (our primary mode of communication) my relationship with my Dominant had come to an abrupt end. But I was prepared, I was strong, although tears of course found their way to making an appearance.

I have spent days preparing myself for this eventuality, and I was completely ready when the moment arrived. For anyone, the loss of a relationship is a life change. For a submissive, you lose a lot; your rules, your structure, your routine, that person who you offered such control of your life over to is suddenly gone. I anticipate my lifestyle will remain fairly similar, but so many little things I did each day will be missing meaning. For someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), the loss of relationship is always a major blow.

However, I find I am very proud of myself. I used all of my skills. I prepared as much as I could for the fallout. I reached out to trusted resources for support. This situation was not something I wanted to go through without a few hands of support along the way. I will be forever grateful for the friendship that has seen me through. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

I am unsure of my footing today. I don’t know exactly what to do, except to put one foot in front of the other, and just keep going. Keep walking, the path still calls, but for now it will be a slightly slower pace at which I take the journey as I endeavor to heal. And heal I will, and beauty I will find surrounds me in all manner of ways. I just must wake to the sight of it again, but I know that time will come, and I have faith that it will be sooner rather than later.

I look forward, forward to the future, to what is to come. I still believe in dreams, in fairytales, and I am never going to give up trying until my dreams come true. This kinky little princess has big ideas for her life and nothing is going to get in the way of them coming to fruition.

Onward and upward, towards brighter days ahead.

The end really is just the beginning.

Where will the fairytale take me now?

Kinky Blonde Girl

How I’m going thrive through the storm

I am finding the courage to walk away from relationships that are no longer bearing fruit.

I am finding the strength to walk this out with grace.

I forgive those who have hurt me.

I refuse to hold onto resentment.

I pray that those who love and support me today do not leave me.

I will be thankful for the friendship that has surrounded me as I have prepared for this challenge.

I will focus my energy on trying to stay safe, strong, healthy, and stable through the coming days and weeks.

I will exercise to focus my anxious energy on something productive.

I will eat healthy to ensure I have proper nutrition giving me strength and leveling anxiety.

I will drink plenty of water to ensure I am well hydrated in preparation for the spontaneous tears that are guaranteed to come.

I will meditate and use mindfulness techniques to keep my mind centered and calm.

I will get plenty of sleep, ensuring my best possible mindset to approach each day with.

I am fully aware that I am facing pain, heartache and loneliness. But I know I can walk this out with my head held high if I just have my head in the game.

I am strong

I am well able

I am an overcomer

I am more than a conqueror

I can do all things that come my way

I have survived more in my life than many people would ever even contemplate possible for one person to endure, and I stand tall, ready for the next challenge to come my way. I will do my very best to handle it with grace, because I know the best way to recover from anything is to walk it out well.

I’m going to get up, dust off my tiara, and move ahead into the future. This kinky little princess has a bright one to look forward to as long as she keeps looking to her dreams as guidance, and never lets them go.

Through the storm into the dream…

I can see the future now…

Kinky Blonde Girl

The truth will set you free

I have been forced to face some truths lately. More than I would have liked. Truth about relationships, friendships, supports I thought I had, and about my own ability to deal with my particular situations.

It is interesting when truth stares you straight in the eye and you can no longer deny the obvious. It can be painful to lose people who you counted as part of your trusted circle.

It is incredibly difficult to try and do things that you know are completely opposed to what you know is good for your emotional well-being. But I always try. I try to be there for those I care about, for those I’m in relationships with. I try my best to meet their needs in whatever way that might be, and sometimes I’m successful, and sometimes it’s a complete disaster.

Recently, I faced disaster. In the midst of that disaster I struck a blow at someone that mattered to me. And their response was devastating, I have watched this person completely evaporate from my life in a heartbeat. But I will carry on, the journey doesn’t stop, it must continue, I must move forward with the amazing friends and support networks I have created for myself. I am fortunate to find that when I look closely, I have a lot more people around me than I realize.

In this most recent situation I so would have loved to have had that friendship to lean into during the fallout, but alas I did not, and in no small part because of my own actions. However, in that open space was the opportunity for my life to be filled with the outpouring of love from others, and I was able to receive through a moment of loss.

It’s interesting how when one thing goes away, another springs forth. I have so far to go, so much yet to learn, and I’m sure a few more disasters yet to come, but I will hold my head up high and stand tall because I know I’m surrounded by people who love me. For that I am eternally grateful.

Kinky Blonde Girl