Tag: Self Doubt

An Adjustment to the Tiara Required

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Time to dust off my tiara, carefully place it back on my pretty little head and get back to the business at hand. I have a beautiful life in front of me, and it just took a little reminder from a good friend that all is not lost.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the emotional chaos that my life has been filled with over the last few months that I forget that I have people all around me that I can lean on and will lift me up. I get lost in my head and in all the many many thoughts that continuously run through my mind all day every day. One of the challenges of having Borderline Personality Disorder, my mind is always racing.

I’ve been reminded that I am strong, that I have a lot going for me and bright things are on the horizon. And even if I’m not where I want to be today, the future is golden and full of amazing prospects.

A woman I greatly admire and respect recently told me she was very proud of me and the decisions I was making. That meant a lot, most especially because of who it was coming from. If I can impress this person, I’m doing something right. I must keep my head held high, tiara straight, and look with hopeful anticipation towards the future.

I know I will find my way back to the place of D/s bliss I was in when I started this blog. I must be patient, keep a positive attitude and walk with integrity. If I can do that I know the universe will work everything out according to plan.

Truly I do still believe in fairytales. I just got a little lost for a time. My dreams will come true, I just must be patient in the interim and take the most from the lessons being taught along the way.

To fairytales, may they always be beautiful!

Kinky Blonde Girl

I used a safeword…oh my

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Well, I suppose I knew the day would come, but honestly I really kind of never wanted to say yellow or red.

I mostly use the traffic light system for my safewords. It’s a very handy little system I find, although until last night I had yet to put it into practice.

The theory goes:

I have yet to reach red, but as I approached yellow last night and after I squeaked the word out of my desperate mouth, I felt what I think most of us feel, especially when we’re new, this feeling of failure.

Even as I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I was confronted with this feeling that I had let him down, I had let myself down, wise mind was telling me I was not a failure for speaking my truth and being honest. I know the only way for our relationship to thrive is for honesty and respect to be at the forefront. And that includes during a scene. I accept with a gleeful heart that I will submit for his pleasure to many things that may be more for his benefit than mine, but knowing my boundaries is incredibly important, and last night I had to face them square in the eye and speak up.

He was loving and kind and did absolutely everything to make me feel like it was ok that I had used a safeword, but admittedly it still feels like a bit of a blow. This is going to take some work to wrap my head around. But work I will, and today I have new found knowledge, from another experience, and I’m so grateful to have had it in his arms. I do know I’m safe with him. I know my limits and boundaries will be respected. I know he enjoys me for all of me, and I will continue to learn as I walk the path on my submissive’s journey.

I suppose I always hoped that the day would never come when I would need to safeword but obviously that was naive. That I made it this far is probably an accomplishment as I’ve had some amazing experiences, pushing past boundaries I thought I never could, and accomplishing things I never thought possible. I have been blessed with beautiful experiences because I have been able to place myself in safe hands, with wonderful people who can read my body so I do not have to safeword. I don’t anticipate I will do it again anytime soon. But I’m still grateful they are there and for the wonderful partner that comforted me last night following that scene. It was wonderful, and I so wish I had been able to keep going with the same enthusiasm, but last night, yellow had to be called. And I must just learn from the experience and carry on with a clear heart and mind knowing that I am still just as good of a sub today as I was yesterday.

So onto the next adventure, this kinky little princess’s fairytale never stops!

Kinky Blonde Girl

Multiple relationships…a delicate dance

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I had plans to meet up with my play partner on a weekend afternoon for some hiking and tying and play in the beautiful outdoors. We live in an epic location with mountains, rainforests and the ocean in our backyard. Amazing location for extreme outdoor kinky fun.

But, as much as he has accepted this relationship to be poly, he doesn’t love to see bruises on me from another. It’s always a reminder to him that I have other partners and I know they frustrate him.

I had to go to our meet up unknowing exactly how he was going to respond to the most recent bruises I received and as we have been spending a great deal of time together I know he often wonders what in the world it is that I need from my relationship with my Dom. There is so much to that relationship he just can never understand because he doesn’t understand the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship.

Admittedly as I stood there in the forest taking my clothes off, preparing to unveil the damage done in my most recent scene with my Dom, the thought actually occurred to me, what if this is the moment he actually loses it, and says no f$&@!#g way, no more, and just took off and left me there.

Again, self confidence issues come to the forefront, because of course he has agreed to this arrangement, I should not be standing there in fear of his behavior. He truly has given me no reason to think he would do such a thing, other than knowing it can be a bit of a prickly issue for him. He has clearly stated this is because of past experiences wherein he had been on the receiving end of deceit. There is no deceit here, but it inflames those feelings for him and so I do my best to try and be cognizant in order to minimize any discomfort he may feel.

He did not leave me stranded in the forest, although he did take every opportunity to tease and semi-torture me for the marks that appeared on my body.

Self doubt is my worst enemy. Not trusting in the people I know I trust, when they have given me no reason to fear the worst. This is one of my greatest challenges today. I hope a day comes when I can walk in faith knowing that the hands I place my trust in during a scene can be trusted always, and that doubt will fade away into the abyss.

Until next time…

Kinky Blonde Girl