Finding my way

It’s a slow process, recovery.

Loss, in any form, takes time to adjust to the change. This has been one of the biggest changes that I can think of that I have had in my life to make mentally and emotionally.

Break ups are always a challenge, but I was in no way prepared for the emptiness I would feel by the loss of my dominant. To lose that structure in my life, the rules, rituals and protocols that went with that relationship were so ingrained into my life that losing them all along with the person I was in relationship with has been devastating.

But I think I’m starting to see the light, starting to find my way. I can’t replicate exactly what I had, but I’m slowly finding ways to feed my submissive nature without having that personal dominant relationship to guide me at this time. I’ve learned I cannot and do not want to live my life without those elements of D/s in my life anymore. I’m utterly lost without being able to kneel. I’m lost without being able to serve. I’m lost without seeing pride and pleasure in my dominant’s eyes.

In saying all of this, although I need these things in order to find complete joy and peace, I do not accept being a doormat to anyone. I refuse to become a doormat submissive to any dominant, so buyer beware. I may wish with all that I am to serve, but I will not give my submission to an unworthy recipient. The man that seeks my submission must be honest, forthright, respectful, and of the highest integrity. He will be served loyally and obediently when I feel that power and control that comes from a pure dominant heart with good intentions.

For now I will continue my research and work on myself and seek to fulfill my submissive needs on my own until such time as I find myself in the position again where I can gleefully kneel and serve.

Today I feel content in myself. I will do whatever I need to.

Kinky Blonde Girl

A lost little submissive

I’m lonely.

I shouldn’t be.

I’m surrounded by people.

I’m surrounded by love and tenderness and kindness and beautiful experiences.

But I am not submitting. I don’t have anyone who understands how important it is for me to find myself on my knees before a strong dominant man.

The importance of rules and rituals and protocols in my life have now become as vital to me as breathe and water. I feel absolutely lost without them.

I have made some gains. I have taken back the power of my beautiful red restraints and made them mine. I believe this is a step in the right direction but it is just a small one. I have so far to go. The crying has mostly ceased and for that I am also grateful.

I don’t know how I am going to fill this enormous void in my life. I don’t know how to survive until I find it. I can feel it physically hurt to be missing it.

I hope I find a way. Wish me luck.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Submission…it is calling

It’s so funny how and when things happen.

Several months ago I was regularly speaking with a Dominant in a loosely structured D/s style arrangement. He is quite handsome, a fitness fanatic, and a very good listener offering sage advice when the time has called for him to do so. And then life happens to all of us and he had to turn inward, deal with “curve balls” as he put it. So we lost touch.

But how fortuitously that following recent events this handsome man has made a reappearance in my life. Coincidence, maybe, maybe not.

What I do know is how I seek to serve. How much pleasure I receive from performing a task set before me. I didn’t even realize how desperately I was missing it until I was given a task and my heart leapt with joy because of it.

It was a kinky little task, fun, flirty and brought me back to life again. And an endurance task at that, so communication throughout the day was maintained, and several little tasks went along with the over-arching task. I was fulfilled throughout the day by my duty to serve this Dominant in this manner, and it felt so good to feel that awesomeness again.

To serve again, it was so wonderful. To hear “good girl” over and over throughout the day was so uplifting. To perform a set task well for a Dominant provides me with such joy that it is simply unexplainable.

I do hope to find myself in service once again soon. It truly does brighten my life to serve another. And honestly that service can look a lot of different ways, but at the end of the day, if I am performing well for Him, and He is pleased by me, I am a happy submissive.

To serve and obey….

Kinky Blonde Girl