Tag: Trust

Tears…..

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Last night I had an experience like none I had yet to experience. It was profound and I am still somewhat shaken by it.

My play partner and I were in a scene, doing needle play, which I am just coming to take an interest in. “Take a deep breath” and the needle went into my skin, a brief piercing pain shot through me and all of a sudden I was flooded by tears.

These were no regular “I got poked by a needle” tears. Something was happening inside of me, the tears came and failed to cease. I sobbed and sobbed and at first, a part of me felt like I needed to stop the tears, stop the crying, compose myself, and then I realized that there must be a reason for it and I allowed myself to sink into those feelings, that emotional response and it was incredibly intense. There was a reason for those tears, only my subconscious knows what it is.

We continued to play for some time but eventually, I had to call the scene. I was so overwhelmed by all of those emotions that had been pouring out of me, I just couldn’t keep going at a certain point. Another first. But I stood in my truth again and it was easier this time than the last.

I’m gaining confidence. This summer has been hard on the confidence, but it’s coming back. I’m getting back to where I was. The slow process continues and I imagine this was just one more step in the right direction. A huge emotional release.

Here’s hoping my next experience is a little bit lighter.

Onto the next adventure.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Deceit, a dangerous game

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It’s been an interesting year.

I have come to learn a great deal.

I have met some incredibly interesting people.

I have been lied to continuously by dominants for the most ridiculous and selfish of reasons.

I am at a loss for all the lies that I have encountered.

I do not understand why a dominant must maintain that he is monogamous if he is not. Why must a double standard exist for a man to date multiple women but not for those women to date multiple men. Or at least have the right to the up front knowledge of the other women he is dating. Why lie?

I do not understand why a dominant would enter into relationship with a submissive without explaining first his intentions as for other relationships. This is critical information. If the submissive is expected to play a role and fulfill a need for him related to his other relationships, she must be made aware at the outset of the relationship. This is a lie of omission and an incredibly grievous offense.

I do not understand why a dominant chooses lies and deceit, in the end it is all simply a loss.

It is so foolish for anyone to think that this type of behavior is sustainable. It never is and at some point the truth always comes out and it’s never usually pretty.

I’m watching one such scenario unfold at present. This person was once very important to me, yielding great power in my life. But their lies and deceit have led them to the periphery of my world now. I believe I am watching the slow destruction of a beautiful life, and I think everything just may come crashing down for this person.

It’s terribly tragic that people think they can behave in such a manner that they ultimately treat others with such disrespect that their selfishness wounds all.

And really isn’t that the simple thing it all comes down to at the core, selfishness. If they weren’t so selfish, and could possibly consider another human being for a millisecond then we wouldn’t end up with so many people hurt and broken relationships with heartbroken souls trying to find peace from the destruction left in the wake of the monster that is deceit.

I stand tall, and strong, and confident, and on the winning side today.

But too much deceit has crossed my path in my days and it’s time for it to come to a stop. The liars need to be called out for what they are.

This kinky little princess is putting her perfectly heeled foot down. No more.

I absolutely refuse to listen to any more lies, I refuse to allow myself to be manipulated by deceit. I am a strong woman, a smart woman, a beautiful, sexy, talented, passionate, encapsulating woman. I deserve so much better than any man who will play petty little games such as these.

But beware, the most charming, most handsome, most successful, most affluent, they are the most likely to deceive because they have the most to lose. Let’s never forget that. Remember, always be mindful! Know your opponent! And yes, love is war!

Never allow yourself to be deceived.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Contemplating my role…

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As I sit and contemplate the last several months so many different things come to my mind about my role as a submissive. So much has been learned from my relationships, most especially I find from that extraordinary connection found between Dominant and submissive. I am recalling my days as my former Sir’s submissive with great affection and gratitude for all I take from that incredibly intense and beautiful relationship.

Below you will find excerpts of a “submissive love letter” to my former Sir. I am so thankful I can look upon these words with a heart full of appreciation for all of the amazing experiences and growth I received in my time as His. I will be forever grateful for what I have learned, particularly about myself.

my mind wanders back to when everything changed, and the beginning of a wonderful mystery was upon us Master. within days our first meeting occurred and i was quickly drawn into Your kink, with Your kindness, strength, and dominance all giving me courage and helping me to trust You in the things to come Master. i immediately felt safe with You and as You remind me over and over again that i am safe in Your hands, that feeling continues until today Master.

in the beginning when You provided me with Your initial list of expectations, You became my Sir, and my submissive spirit began to grow for You Master. it was so easy to fall quickly for You, as the time we spent chatting beforehand had allowed me the opportunity to learn some about You and i always found You kind and respectful in every way Master.

from Our first encounter i was filled with such trust for You, from the first moments You walked in the door, and You have always ensured i felt safe in Your hands Master. i am always reminded that i am Yours, and that You have me, and those actions have allowed me to trust in You when i didn’t trust in myself, to believe in Your faith in my abilities and to take amazing risks that have reaped spectacular rewards Master.

Our play has been breathtaking, every experience something new, exciting and i always seem to learn something about myself Master. You challenge me and make my body do things i never in my dreams imagined and although sometimes i feel pressed to my limits, i am always bestowed with great pleasure time after time Master. You make me feel vulnerable but i always know that i am in an artists hands and know You will never purposefully hurt me Master. there is a closeness between us, and i honestly believe that because of this play, because of the trust that is gained each time We have the opportunity to be together and You are able to take me to those places only You control, i find myself completely enthralled by you Master. it’s as if You find more of me every time We are together and that just makes me shine when i think of You Master.

i am grateful for the new things that You have given me to do, as i find myself wanting to be of better service to You Master. Your care for me is always noted and appreciated more than You could ever know Master.

i have learned a great deal about myself Master. You are teaching me more than i think You will ever realize Master. it really is a pleasure to wake up to a message from You every day, i look forward to it more than You will ever know Master. i am blessed to be called Your submissive and find myself honoured every time i wear Your collar, regardless of official meaning or not Master. it has immense meaning for me, and i always feel close to You when i am locked up tight in my restraints and collar Master. if i must be at a distance from You, they provide an opportunity to have a little bit of You close to me Master. i hope to be a good submissive to You, and i will always work to be a submissive You can be proud to call Yours Master. Thank You for believing in me when i don’t believe in myself, You have no idea what this means Master.

This is part of my history now, part of who I am, who I will become. This experience has been so profound I cannot think of another in my life to equal it. I wait anxiously for the day that I may kneel again, and to see that same pride in the eyes of another Dominant.

To the beautiful future that awaits me.

Kinky Blonde Girl

Multiple relationships…a delicate dance

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I had plans to meet up with my play partner on a weekend afternoon for some hiking and tying and play in the beautiful outdoors. We live in an epic location with mountains, rainforests and the ocean in our backyard. Amazing location for extreme outdoor kinky fun.

But, as much as he has accepted this relationship to be poly, he doesn’t love to see bruises on me from another. It’s always a reminder to him that I have other partners and I know they frustrate him.

I had to go to our meet up unknowing exactly how he was going to respond to the most recent bruises I received and as we have been spending a great deal of time together I know he often wonders what in the world it is that I need from my relationship with my Dom. There is so much to that relationship he just can never understand because he doesn’t understand the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship.

Admittedly as I stood there in the forest taking my clothes off, preparing to unveil the damage done in my most recent scene with my Dom, the thought actually occurred to me, what if this is the moment he actually loses it, and says no f$&@!#g way, no more, and just took off and left me there.

Again, self confidence issues come to the forefront, because of course he has agreed to this arrangement, I should not be standing there in fear of his behavior. He truly has given me no reason to think he would do such a thing, other than knowing it can be a bit of a prickly issue for him. He has clearly stated this is because of past experiences wherein he had been on the receiving end of deceit. There is no deceit here, but it inflames those feelings for him and so I do my best to try and be cognizant in order to minimize any discomfort he may feel.

He did not leave me stranded in the forest, although he did take every opportunity to tease and semi-torture me for the marks that appeared on my body.

Self doubt is my worst enemy. Not trusting in the people I know I trust, when they have given me no reason to fear the worst. This is one of my greatest challenges today. I hope a day comes when I can walk in faith knowing that the hands I place my trust in during a scene can be trusted always, and that doubt will fade away into the abyss.

Until next time…

Kinky Blonde Girl